CAMBRIDGE, MA--According to a new study, the popularity of NFL football increases as American life grows more meaningless. The study, which was conducted by Center for the Study of Sport in Society, shed light on the nation’s growing obsession with the sport and some of the reasons behind it.

“There is a clear correlation between the skyrocketing popularity of the NFL and the increasing emptiness and despair of modern life,” said Judy Phillips, director of the organization. “In the past 20 years, existence has become a much more pointless, meaningless charade, while the NFL has grown into a multi-billion dollar industry. The NFL is fun, colorful, noisy, and exciting, while everything else is lame. Even I’m obsessed with the NFL, and I’m director of the Center for Sports Studying in Society or whatever.”

Phillips also noted that the rise of the internet, fantasy football, and 24-hour coverage has made it easier than ever for Americans to immerse themselves in the NFL. For many of them, the visceral thrill of a Sunday slate of games is the only actual, authentic human emotion they experience all week.

“The day-to-day drudgery of modern life has a numbing effect,” said Phillips. “Watching football gives people a chance to be happy, excited, crushed, and most of all, stimulated. While the games are technically meaningless, we attach meaning to them, and therefore render them meaningful. Does that make sense? Let me put it this way: The games offer a fun diversion from real life, unless you’re a Raider fan, in which case you’re better off reading about the Sudanese refugee crisis.”

The NFL’s increase in popularity has been spurred in large part by fantasy football. In 2005, 15 million Americans participated in fantasy sports, a hobby that requires several hours a week of devotion, and a near-constant monitoring of statistics and player movements.

“Fantasy football is a fun, exciting hobby that let’s people act as GM’s to their very own NFL teams,” said Dave Collico, fantasy expert for The Sportingnews.com. “It’s extremely time consuming and complex and requires tons of work. I’m actually getting paid to analyze it. No, seriously. That alone should tell you that something is seriously wrong with this country.”

NFL officials are ecstatic over the league’s unprecedented popularity and are hoping that modern American life continues its downward spiral into nothingness. In anticipation of that, the league, together with the TV networks, are planning to air games on Thursday’s and Saturday’s as well as Sunday’s, and to extend pre-game and post game shows by another half hour.

“This league is all about the fans,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “But it’s also about spiritual emptiness. Like any good drug, people turn to it in times of existential despair. That’s why we’re giving our fans more of everything. More games, more analysis, longer pre-game shows featuring more explosions and pop stars, and of course, more ads. Every single game is its own ad, really. Every team is a corporation, every fan is a consumer, and every player a salesman. Me? I am God. Or I might as well be God, anyway. I certainly have more influence than that old has-been.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.