MACON, GA--Residents of the southeastern United States were relieved upon learning that Suzy Kolber, suspected of slaughtering 37 people in a blood-soaked nine-state killing spree, was apprehended by authorities in Macon, Georgia.

After the arrest, Georgia state police chief Len Ross made a statement to reporters.

“We believe we have captured the perpetrator of the ‘Angel of Death’ murders that have terrorized our region for weeks,” said Ross. “Miss Kolber is in our custody and she has already confessed to the murders of at least twelve individuals. She was apprehended in a roadside motel outside Atlanta. A subsequent search of her vehicle turned up several mutilated body parts, as well as photos of some of victims. Miss Kolber’s state of mind can charitably be described as unstable, and it is not known at this time if she is fit to stand trial. Back to you, Al. Heh heh…just kidding.”

The manhunt started on November 2nd, when authorities discovered a mutilated body on the side of a dirt road in Mobile, Alabama. The legs and arms were severed and placed in a small pile next to the torso, and a playing card with the phrase “Angel of Death” scribbled on the front was placed on the victim’s forehead. The playing card would become Kolber’s trademark as she rampaged through Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana, Tennessee, North Carolina and Arkansas on a blood-drenched odyssey that would claim the lives of 37 innocent victims.

Kolber’s arrest stunned the sports community, which has come to know her as an affable sideline reporter with a sunny smile. But some of her closest friends were not surprised. Her co-workers at ESPN recalled her strange, erratic behavior in the weeks leading up to her disappearance, and many believed she was on the brink of madness.

Lyle Teague, an intern at ESPN headquarters, said Kolber would often fly into fits of rage over the smallest things.

“She’s always been kind of bitchy, but the past few months she really started to scare me,” said Teague. “She was constantly threatening people with bodily harm. Just about a month ago she told me she was going to murder me and put my corpse through a meat grinder just because I put non-dairy creamer in her coffee. She wanted half-and-half. I didn’t know if she was kidding or not, but something in her voice told me I should go stock up on half and half immediately.”

ESPN also presented police with a videotape of Kolber doing a sideline interview during a Sunday night football game. The tape contains previously unseen footage of Kolber lambasting her crew.

“You little prick. You sniveling little asshole,” said Kolber, speaking to someone off camera. “You look at me like that one more time and I will tear you limb from limb, you deviant little monster…oh…um…thanks, Mike. I’m here with Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme, who’s about to tell us about his famous jambalaya recipe.”

Police found similar evidence in Kolber’s home. A search turned up a chilling videotape of Kolber dressed in camouflage clothing, grasping a machete, and delivering a bizarre rant in which she refers to herself as “The Angel of Death.”

“I am the Angel of Death,” the tape begins. “The time of destruction and bloodshed is nigh. I will cleanse the earth of weak and rain death upon all who stand in my path. Kill, kill, kill, kill ,kill…”

Afterward, Kolber viciously thrust her machete into a mannequin while cackling wildly. The tape was later broadcast on ESPN during Sportscenter’s “Not-So Top Ten Plays of the Week.”

Authorities are planning to charge Kolber with 37 counts of first degree murder. Her lawyer, Daniel Liebowitz, will argue that his client is not fit to stand trial and should be committed to a mental institution. However, Georgia attorney general Arnold Cole predicted Kolber would stand trial and that the cruel and sadistic nature of the crimes would guarantee a conviction.

This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Copyright 2004, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission