Reds Accused Of Tanking To Get Top Draft Pick Next Year

CINCINNATI--The Cincinnati Reds own the second worst record in Major League Baseball at 19-33. Their pitching staff is in shambles, their defense is near last in the league, and their vaunted offense has been unable to score enough runs to make up for it. The team has performed so badly, in fact, that many observers are accusing them of tanking in order to secure a higher pick in the 2008 draft.

“Oh, these guys are definitely tanking,” said one National League GM. “There is no way they’re trying their hardest here. Look at that pitching staff. Nobody has an ERA under four. And the defense? You can’t tell me some of those guys aren’t letting balls go through on purpose. The Reds should be ashamed of themselves. They are ruining the integrity of the game by tanking. Even if they’re not tanking, they’re ruining the integrity of the game just by going out there and playing.”

The Reds finished last season with a record of 80-82, and many fans were optimistic that this year’s squad could finish over .500 and possibly make a run at the Wild Card. However, those hopes have come crashing down to earth in recent weeks as the Reds have sunk to the bottom of the standings in the NL Central.

“It’s been a rough season for us,” said manager Jerry Narron. “The biggest problem is that our pitching has been sub par. You can’t win in this league without pitching. But for people to say we’re tanking is ridiculous. I don’t even know who the top pick in the draft is supposed to be next year. Furthermore, why would I care who we draft in 2008? By that time, I’ll be a bench coach on some minor league club in East Buttfuck, Iowa.”

In Major League Baseball, the top draft pick is awarded to the team with the worst record. Right now, it’s a race between the Reds, Kansas City Royals, and Texas Rangers. While all three teams have denied tanking allegations, the evidence is starting to pile up:

On April 15th , Royals manager Buddy Bell left pitcher Odalis Perez in the game after a first inning in which he let up 13 runs and attempted suicide by repeatedly throwing the ball at his own head.

On May 3rd, the Rangers second basemen Ian Kinsler fielded a ground ball and then stood motionless as the batter circled the bases for an inside the park home run.

On May 15th, the Reds allowed Eric Milton to pitch.

“How can anyone accuse of us tanking?” asked Reds GM Wayne Krivsky. “We’re a baseball team. Baseball teams don’t tank. We’re just really, really bad this year. Even if we cared about the top pick, we wouldn’t be tanking. We would just go out there every day, give it our very best shot to win, put our best lineup on the field, and lose games the conventional way. If we were tanking, would we be running guys like Mike Stanton and Jon Coutlangus out there? Yes? Yea, you're probably right.”

Krivsky also cited Monday night’s game against the Pirates, in which starter Kyle Lohse pitched a complete game shutout, as evidence that the team is not tanking. For some observers, however, the evidence is simply not strong enough.

“They’re tanking. They are definitely tanking,” said a rival NL Central manager. “What do they take us for, fools? Would a team that was trying to win ball games drop two of three to the Pittsburgh Pirates? Would a team that was trying to win ball games continue to employ Jerry Narron as their manager? No, clearly they are tanking...I guess. If not, I don't really care. All I know is that it's fun to believe teams tank, and sports is all about having fun, isn't it?”

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