OAKLAND--At 2-11, the Oakland Raiders don’t have much to play for this season, but that doesn’t mean they can’t have a little fun. That’s why their defense, with nothing left to lose, has decided to spend the remainder of the season teeing off on opposing quarterbacks with no regard for penalties, fines, or suspensions.

“We have nothing to lose anymore so there’s no reason to hold back,” said defensive end Derrick Burgess. “We can basically start teeing off on quarterbacks on every single play. What’s the worst that can happen? A penalty? A fine? A suspension? Who cares, who cares, who cares. The season is over. We’re finally going to be able to play with reckless abandon. Woo hoo! Watch out quarterbacks! Season ending injuries coming your way! JACKED! UP!”

Linebacker Thomas Howard says it’s every defender’s dream to be able to maul quarterbacks with relative impunity, and being out of contention provides the perfect opportunity to do that.

“As a defender, you dream about being able to maul a quarterback with no regard for the consequences,” said Howard. “So when I lift up a quarterback, spin him around over my head, and slam him to the ground, I’ll be doing it for every defender out there who has ever been hit with a bullshit roughing the passer call, for every defender who has ever been penalized for tackling a quarterback below the knees or bumping into him after the ball is thrown. This is for you, guys! So it’s not quite as noble as, say, marching for civil rights, but fuck it. If you can make your own corner of the world a better place, you’ve done your part.”

The next opponent for the Raiders will be the St. Louis Rams, a team with a shaky offensive line. The Raiders defensive game plan for the Rams? Kick the shit out of quarterback Marc Bulger.

“We’ve formulated a pretty interesting strategy for the Rams,” said safety Michael Huff. “We’re going to blitz on every down. It doesn’t matter what the situation is. We will get at Marc Bulger. Now I like Marc, don’t get me wrong. Seems like a good enough guy. That’s why if we put him out of the game we’re going to be sure to form a prayer circle while he’s being carried off the field. Yea, it sounds a little retarded, but at least it’s more humane than Warren Sapp's idea of hijacking the golf cart and slamming it into the goal post.”

The league front office has gotten wind of the Raiders plan and has vowed to take stern disciplinary action against any player who purposely tries to injure a quarterback.

Commissioner Goodell said he was “extremely disappointed” with the Raiders, and urged them to reconsider or suffer the consequences.

“To hear something like that is extremely disappointing and a bit disturbing,” Goodell said. “This game is about grace, athleticism, and strategy – not brute force. Of course there is some violence involved, and we have made billions of dollars promoting and marketing that violence, but this type of violence serves no purpose but to hurt people. That’s exactly the kind of thing we’ve been trying to eliminate. Why do you think we’ve been gaying up the league with all these roughing-the-passer penalties lately?

“Now, would I like to see a quarterbacks brutally assaulted and left in a twisted, mangled heap on the ground once in a while? Of course. I’m only human. But these quarterbacks are the faces of the league. If you want to injure someone, do it to a wide receiver coming across the middle. You might even end up on one of our ‘NFL’s Greatest Hits’ videos, provided you stand over his lifeless body and taunt him mercilessly.”

News of the Raiders new strategy has prompted opponents to alter their own game plans. The Rams, according to wide receiver Torry Holt, will be creative and do “whatever it takes” to protect their quarterback.

“We’re going to pull out all the stops to protect Marc,” said Holt. “There’s no way we’re going to let the Raiders injure him. If we have to have extra guys stay in and block, we will. If we have to run the ball on every play, we will. Our coaches are fully prepared for this. Also, the Raiders should remember that we’re out of contention, too, which means we can take a baseball bat to their knees or their crotch or whatever and we’ll be none the worse for the wear. Actually, I’ll let you in on a little secret: We were going to do that anyway. At least now we’ll have a legitimate reason.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.