Study: Christ May Have Been On Steroids When He Destroyed Temple

NEW YORK--According to a controversial new study, Christ may have been on steroids when he trashed the temple in the famous story from the Gospel of John. The study cites Christ’s hair-trigger temper, irrational behavior, and unusual strength as evidence that he may have been under the influence of performance enhancing drugs during his historic tantrum.

“That ugly display was completely out of character for Christ,” said Dr. Jules Templeton, of the Columbia University Department of Theology. “Nowhere else in the New Testament does he freak out like that. He was like ‘Aaaargh, you idiots! Cut it out! Aaargh!’ and then he started tearing everything down. Even more out of character was the unusual physical strength he displayed. He lifted up tables and hurled them threw the air like twigs, he broke vases over his knee, and he overturned these huge displays of trinkets and shit. To me, that was one of history’s earliest examples of ‘roid rage.”

Templeton believes there were a myriad of places where a man living in Jerusalem in the time of Christ could have acquired some performance enhancers.

“Medical science was actually a lot more advanced back then than people realize,” he said. “I don’t know if it was anything elaborate like Human Growth Hormone, but it could have been just something simple to pump you up and make you go all apeshit. He could have used that stuff later in life when the Romans were beating and killing him, but I guess that would have ruined his father’s prophecy.”

The destruction of the temple is a chilling example of Christ abandoning his “turn the other cheek” philosophy in favor of brute force. The sudden loss of control is really not much difference than a batter freaking out on a pitcher who just struck him with a pitch.

“As modern sports fans, we have seen this kind of sudden ‘snapping,’” said Templeton. “How often will an otherwise chickenshit batter turn into a wild-eyed UFC maniac and run after a pitcher, bat in hand, because he was grazed by a breaking ball? The parallels are disturbing.”

Despite what he calls “overwhelming evidence,” Templeton admits that we may never know for sure if Christ was on steroids when he destroyed the temple or whether he was just pissed because the merchants had made it into a den of thieves. However, he does believe the Catholic Church should acknowledge at least the possibility that it could be true.

“The Bible holds many secrets, some that may never be revealed, yet we have an obligation to examine it as honestly and openly as possible,” said Templeton. “I just hope the Catholic Church doesn’t poo-poo this whole study and fail to give it the attention it deserves. I also hope they don’t try to kill me like they did with that guy from The Da Vinci Codes. Those bastards may have killed Tom Hanks, but they won’t get me.”

So far, the study hasn’t caused much uproar among the Christian hierarchy, and even religious scholars are most dismissing it as the product of an overactive imagination.

“This is quite a stretch, to say the least,” said Christian scholar William Matovina. “The people who did this study clearly had some kind of agenda and were cherry-picking facts, quotes, and myths to frame their little story. The idea that Christ could be on steroids is outrageous. His destruction of the temple was a symbolic act of defiance that sent a message to his followers that a temple was a place of worship and not a flea market. His rage was pure and purposeful and not the result of chemicals.”

“But I guess this is what the steroid era has wrought,” he added. “A handful of athletes get busted for juicing up and now everybody has to live under a cloud of suspicion-- even Jesus.”

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