Terrorists Voice Support For New York City Olympic Bid

NEW YORK--New York City’s bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympic games was given an unexpected boost yesterday, when several terrorists came out in support of the idea. Osama Bin Laden, his main deputy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, and Iraqi terror cell leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi all seemed to approve of the idea of drawing hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world to New York City for the two week event.

“This is a very good idea,” said Bin Laden, on an audiotape aired on Al-Jazeera Monday. “We would like to voice our strong support for the infidels to hold the Olympic games in the city of evil, New York. Please, allow this large gathering of targets--I mean citizens--to take place. It will be the perfect venue to unleash our awesome new dirty bomb. Wait—stop the tape. Erase that part. No. Rewind, you fool! Is it rewound? OK, take that one again…It will be the perfect venue for the world’s athletes to run and jump and such. Yes, that’s better.”

CIA experts believe that Bin Laden’s support for the Olympic bid may have ulterior motives. They cited several passages from the tape that seemed to indicate some kind of hidden agenda.

“Well, he did mention something about a dirty bomb. Luckily, the person recording the tape was too stupid to erase it correctly,” said one high ranking CIA official. “The question is, does Bin Laden want the Olympics to take place in New York because it’s a beautiful host city, or because he wants to kill a bunch of people? It’s certainly something to think about. But since this is Bin Laden, we have to be a little skeptical. We don’t have any intelligence indicating that he’s a sports fan.”

A separate tape, purportedly from al-Zawahiri, appeared to be aimed at soothing the US’s fears of a terrorist attack.

“Have the Olympics in New York. Trust me,” he said in the grainy audiotape. “Look, you cannot live your lives in fear of a terrorist attack. My friends, if you do not hold this ceremony in the beautiful metropolis of New York, than we, the terrorists have already won. Please, go on with your plan. We will just sit here and mind our own business. And don’t worry about security. You must not live in a police state. You must go on with your sinful lives. Death to America.”

Experts who analyzed both tapes confirmed their authenticity, but are puzzled by the content of the speeches. While some say Al Qaeda may be trying to soften its image, others stick to the notion that things are not what they seem.

“It’s highly unusual for Al Qaeda to come out in support of the United States, especially New York City,” said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. “One has to view these kinds of things with an air of skepticism. Still, al-Zawahiri made a great point. If we live in fear, the terrorists will have already one. Plus, there probably aren’t any sleeper cells in New York anyway. I truly believe that. I repeat it to myself several times a day. It keeps me from wetting my pants.”

Yet another tape was released by Iraq’s terrorist leader, Abu Musab al-Zaqawi. That tape echoed al-Zawahiri’s assertions that New York is a safe and ideal place for the summer Olympics.

“Go on with your Olympics, you evil snakes,” the tape began. “There is nothing to worry about. What are we, monsters? Do you think we would try to attack the Olympics, a peaceful gathering of nations? This fear is unjustified. Allah willing, you will allow the games to be played in New York. There are many, many fine restaurants there. Take Tavern on the Green, for example. It has been blessed by Allah with the greatest Caesar Salads in America. I urge all infidel Satans to visit that restaurant. Arrive at 7:00 PM the night before the start of the games. Enjoy your meal, and when you see that large, out-of-place tanker truck pull up to the sidewalk, do not be alarmed. It is just salad dressing. Death to America.”

It is not known whether the Al Qaeda endorsements will help or hurt the Big Apple’s Olympic bid. Some argue that the city needs all the help it can get to have an edge on the competition, but others are wary of the terrorists' intentions.

“Sure, it all sounds good, but we have to read between the lines here,” said Robert Fasulo, director of the Association of Summer Olympic International Federations and a member of the IOC panel that will ultimately decide where the hold the games. “Al Qaeda’s history says that they would use the Olympics as opportunity to commit acts of terror against innocent civilians. These guys are maniacs, so we shouldn’t put too much credence into their promises. As a member of the IOC, I have to say that these endorsements are not helpful to New York at all, although al-Zaqawi had a great point about Tavern on the Green. Those Caesar Salads do kick ass.”

Daniel Doctoroff, the deputy mayor for economic development who is leading the bid for New York, is pushing forward with it despite the statements from Al Qaeda.

“Those Al Qaeda statements can be taken any number of ways,” he said. “I mean, some people would say that the glass is half empty, some would say the glass is half full. I’m an optimistic kind of guy, so in my opinion there was no malice whatsoever in those audiotapes. They truly wanted to set the record straight and let us know that they had no designs whatsoever on the Olympic games. We’re moving forward with this bid. We have faith that the geopolitical concerns will be alleviated by 2012, anyway. By that time, the whole world should be firmly under the control of America.”