Panthers quarterback Vinny Testaverde was deactivated from Sunday’s game against the Saints when it was determined he was suffering from pre-concussion syndrome. Testaverde, 44, experienced the nausea and diarrhea common among players who are moments away from suffering a concussion.

“We checked him out before the game and he really looked like he was out of it,” said coach John Fox. “He was puking and crapping his brains out. He definitely looked like a guy who was going to be concussed if he went out there, so we made the smart decision. If you send someone into the game with pre-concussion syndrome and he ends up with a concussion, you’re going to have a lot of questions to answer come Monday.”

Fox said he wasn’t sure when Testaverde would be able to play again, but said the team will take the conservative route with his recovery.

“It could be next Sunday, it could be two weeks from now. We just don’t know,” he said. “It’s a very tricky condition. Just look at David Carr. He’s suffered from pre-concussion syndrome, concussions, and post concussion syndrome, and now we can’t tell what he has. Though it’s probably pre-concussion syndrome because I’m about five minutes from bashing his head in.”

Testaverde’s injury leaves Carr as the starting quarterback with seldom-used Matt Moore as his backup. If both those players get hurt, the Panthers will be forced to use no quarterback at all.

“Our depth at the QB position isn’t great right now,” said Fox. “After David and Matt it’s kind of a black hole. Actually, before David and Matt it’s a black hole. During David and Matt it’s a black hole, too. After David and Matt it’s just a lot of DeShaun Foster running, which is somehow even less appealing. Maybe we should just cancel the game and entertain the fans with Steve Smith catching balls from a passing machine.”

During Sunday’s loss against the Saints, Carr was removed from the game and replaced by Moore, who quickly threw an interception. The performance of Carr and Moore was so dispiriting, many members of the Panthers offense were openly praying for Testaverde to return from his injury.

Receiver Steve Smith affectionately referred to the 44-year-old as “the lesser of three evils.”

“Oh boy, do we need Vinny to come back, like, now,” said Smith. “I don’t care if he’s old and slow, he can still find the open receiver. What, he has a problem with his head? Who cares? That’s why we wear helmets. Get him out there, because if this keeps up I’m going to pull a Steve Smith on y’all, and you don't want to be here when that happens.”

On Monday morning, Testaverde said he was “feeling better” but wasn’t sure if he would be able to start next week.

“I’m not sick anymore and I’m not dizzy or anything and there’s really nothing wrong with me, but since this is a head issue, they want to act with an abundance of caution,” he said. “You know how it is these days: With all this focus on concussions, we now have to be embarrassingly cautious instead of embarrassingly careless. You think they’d be able to find a happy, sensible medium. Actually, no you wouldn’t.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.