Texans Defense Wishes It Could Face Texans Offense

HOUSSTON--The Houston Texans defense did not fare well on Sunday, allowing 34 points to the Titans and recording no sacks against Steve McNair. This was a sharp contrast to the Titans defense, which sacked Texans QB David Carr seven times and allowed only 20 points. After the game, Houston defenders confessed to being jealous, saying they wish they could face their own offense.

“It’s not really fair that all these other defenses get to pad their stats against our offense,” said defensive back Demarcus Faggins, who had a team-high 10 tackles against the Titans. “Every week it’s the same thing. They get to tee off on our QB, while their QB gets to stand in the pocket and throw touchdown passes all day. I wish just once we could go up against our offense. I bet that would really get us back on track.”

As the Titans wreaked havoc with the Houston offensive line, the Houston defense watched from the sidelines in awe.

“Whoa, did you see that sack that [Titans linebacker] Keith Bulluck got? Holy shit,” said Faggins. “That was awesome. He got into the backfield without even getting touched. Then he picked up David, twirled him around over his head and body slammed him, while our offensive linemen stood there and watched. I wish that was me out there. I would tear that pussy in half like a rag doll.”

Houston’s offensive line has been one of the worst in football since the team’s inception in 2002. As a result, quarterback David Carr has failed to develop into the All-Pro that the team was hoping for when they drafted him. Other teams in the conference get to play the Texans at least once, giving them a decided advantage over the Texans themselves.

“God I really wish I never came to his team in the first place,” said safety Marcus Coleman, who played his whole career with the New York Jets before coming to Houston in 2002. “All my friends on other teams look forward to playing us because they can artificially inflate their sack numbers. I just wish I could get traded so I could face this offense a couple times a year myself. If I’d been playing for the Titans all this time, I’d probably be headed for the hall of fame.”

Carr himself admitted that the team is offensively challenged, but refused to point fingers, saying that everybody needs to step up their game.

“Hey it’s been rough for us for a long time,” Carr said. “Ever since I was drafted we’ve had problems on offense. Obviously we need to do a better job of protecting me, but I also need to do a better job of finding the open man. I just wish I had more time to find that open man. Usually I have enough time to do a three-step drop and then let out a blood-curdling shriek as I’m engulfed by defenders.”

Head coach Dom Capers has already fired offensive coordinator Chris Palmer, and sources say his job could be next. Since taking the reins in 2002, Capers has led the team to a 16-35 record and doesn’t seem close to turning things around.

“The team is regressing and I take full responsibility for that,” Capers said after the game on Sunday. “It’s been over three years now and we’ve made exactly zero progress. Defenders really enjoy playing against us. I know it hurts our own defense not to be able to beat up on David Carr like everyone else. Hell even I wouldn’t mind strapping on a helmet and delivering a few shots. But you can’t do that to your own teammate. I checked the rule book. That would actually count as a sack against us.”

Since the Texans offense gets most of the blame for the team’s failures, the defense’s shortcomings often go overlooked. They rank 13th in the AFC, and there are a few offensive players on the Houston roster who would love to get a crack at their own defense.

“I’m sure they would love to face us on offense, but we wouldn’t mind lining up against them on defense, either” said receiver Andre Johnson. “It would be a welcome respite from all those fast, strong aggressive defenses that can actually penetrate an offensive line. I’d probably be able to get open and catch some passes, and David would have a little room to breathe. I wonder who would win if we went full contact, head to head, starting offense versus starting defense. Hmmm….hard to tell. With our coaching staff, we’d probably both lose.”