Texans Wish They Were Losing On Purpose

HOUSTON, TX--The Houston Texans vehemently denied “tanking” their season today, after rumors surfaced that they were losing on purpose in order to secure the top pick in the 2006 draft. At a press conference today the team insisted that they are, in fact, as inept as they appear.

“Losing on purpose? That would be nice,” said coach Dom Capers. “Yea, that would be great. Actually, we’re busting our asses out there and we just can’t win. It’s pretty embarrassing when you’re so bad you have to defend yourself against accusations that you’re losing on purpose.”

The Texans are in the midst of a 1-12 season in which nothing has gone right. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If they finish with the worst record in football, they'll be rewarded with a chance to draft the great Reggie Bush.

“To say that we’re losing on purpose to get Bush is an insult,” said Capers. “I will not have my players slandered like that. They work too damn hard! These guys would never lose on purpose. They’re losing because they’re hapless.”

Sunday’s loss to the Tennessee Titans raised a few eyebrows around the league, particularly since it culminated in kicker Kris Brown missing a 31-yard field goal at the end of regulation. Brown missed by a mile but scoffed at the notion that he missed it on purpose.

“On purpose? Oh, I wish,” said Brown. “Nothing would make me happier than to say that I pulled that field goal wide left because I wanted to get Reggie Bush. The truth is I could care less if we get him. I’m just playing out the season here. If the front office wants me to miss field goals for them, they can pay me for it. I have too much integrity to do it for nothing.”

Some around the league are not buying the players’ denials, most notably the Tennessee Titans, who before Sunday had an outside chance of scoring the top pick.

“Jesus, what do we have to do to lose a game?” asked a frustrated Jeff Fisher after his team’s stunning three point victory. “You cannot tell me that those guys are playing their hardest out there. Did you see that field goal? It wasn’t just wide left, it was sideways. They ought to be ashamed of themselves, stealing a loss from us like that. Our guys busted their tails out there and they deserve better. We're playing Seattle next week, though, so we should be able to get back on track.”

With the Jets and Packers winning yesterday, the 49ers are the closet competition for Houston at 2-11. As it happens, the two teams have a showdown on the last day of the season. The loser of that game may secure the NFL’s worst record.

“We’ve got that date circled on our calendar,” said Houston quarterback David Carr, who was sacked six times Sunday. “We definitely do not want to have the worst record in football this year. It will be a moral victory for us to finish at 3-13 and have them finish at 2-14. Then we could ride that one-game winning streak right into next season.”

One person who doesn’t mind if the Texans tank is their owner, Bob McNair, who bought the team in 1999 and has seen little return on his investment.

“Look I’m not gonna sit here and say that I care about winning these last three games,” McNair told reporters yesterday. “I don’t care. We have nothing to lose right now. We might as well just tank and get that number one pick. We could have Reggie Bush. Wouldn’t that be worth it? Hell, maybe I’ll throw everyone for a loop and pick up Matt Leinart. Then we can get rid of David Carr once and for all. There. Now you’ll start to see some people tanking.”