WASHINGTON, DC--According to the most recent National Intelligence Estimate, college basketball fans have replaced Al Qaeda (2) and Iran (3) as the number one threat to national security. The bi-annual report, compiled by Director of National Intelligence John Michael McConnell, called college hoops fans “rabid, gleefully fascist hate-mongers who can’t handle their liquor.”

“One of the biggest challenges of the next few decades will be combating the growing threat of college basketball fans,” the report stated. “Nothing short of a sustained, multi-pronged effort will be sufficient to destroy them and eliminate the root causes of their fanaticism. If action isn’t taken soon, these face-painting dickheads could bring the nation to its knees.”

The report painted a bleak picture of a future where drunken college basketball fans stalk the streets of America’s towns, killing everyone in sight.

“Like any terrorist organization, there is no limit to what college basketball fans will do to their perceived enemies,” said the report. “At an Oregon-UCLA game last February, a group of home fans stomped to death a puppy wearing a UCLA sweatshirt, then tore away at its carcass with their teeth and hoisted its tattered remains over their heads. It was actually kind of cool.”

Fans in the ACC and the Pac-10 were referred to as “the biggest dickheads,” but the problem isn’t limited to those conferences and has, in fact, spread to every area of the country. The nightmare scenario, according to McConnell, would be if rival fan bases joined forces.

“The thing that keeps me up at night is the thought that these rival fan bases could unite and create one vast, nationwide terror franchise,” McConnell told the Washington Times. “They would be an unstoppable force. They would have no mercy, no boundaries, and not even the slightest hint of humanity. And if they ever got hold of a crude nuclear device or a dirty bomb? Thousands would perish – and they would be the lucky ones. The survivors would have to continue to put up with these obnoxious fucks.”

The report’s findings were a sobering reminder to Americans that the threat of terrorism remains high, and is no longer limited to Islamic extremists. In fact, the new threat is far more frightening since there are college basketball fans in every town in America.

Still, most Americans say they’re not spending too much time thinking about the threat posed by college hoops enthusiasts.

“I’ve heard all the reports on the news and stuff, but I’m not going to worry about it,” said Sue Caroll, 42, of Chapel Hill, N.C. “All you can do is live your life, and whatever happens happens. Will I be beaten and killed by a rival college basketball fan someday? Probably, but I could also be struck by lighting or run over by a car, and I don’t go around freaking out about that. I just hope they kill me fast if they do get to me. And I hope it’s Duke fans, so I can tell them J.J. Reddick’s a fag one more time before I die.”

Some college basketball fans, however, say the threat has been overblown.

“This is just alarmism,” said John McPhail, 20, a member of the “Pit Crew,” Oregon’s 1500-student fan club. “College basketball fans, by and large, are intelligent, positive, enthusiastic young people. Sure, some of them go overboard, but those people are in the minority. We are not a national threat, and there is no chance we are all going to unite and take over the country. Believe me, I’d blow my brains out before even speaking to one of those homos from UCLA. I hope they all die.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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