PHILADELPHIA--The Albany Great Danes won the America East title on Saturday to earn their first ever NCAA tournament bid. Albany, a 16 seed, will face off against heavily favored Connecticut Friday at the Wachovia Center. Since a 16 seed has never beaten a 1 seed in the history of the tournament, the Great Danes, like the rest of the 16’s, will launch a shitload of 3-pointers and just hope for the best.

“Hey, we could do a lot worse than firing up bombs for 40 minutes,” said coach Will Brown, who is 53-82 since taking over the team in 2001. “If we get hot from behind the arc, who knows? We might even win this thing. Eventually a 16 seed is going to beat a 1 seed and when it happens it will be because they got hot and took advantage of that short 3 point shot or the other team got in some kind of bus accident.”

Brown also said that scoring inside against the Huskies was “not an option.”

“We’re not going to consistently get points in the paint unless all of their players are replaced by small children,” said Brown. “The 3-pointer gives us hope. Have you watched the tournament for the past 10 years or so? It’s basically a 3-point shooting contest. So I say throw em up - from half court, from the other end of the floor, behind your back, blindfolded, whatever. If we launch, say, 300 of them, that’s 900 points right there. Against these guys, that should be enough to keep things close.”

The 3 point shot is more prevalent in college than the NBA, where the distance is 4 feet longer. As a result, many college teams rely on the 3 to keep them in games against superior opponents. This trend is never more evident than in the NCAA tournament.

“We have made a living behind the arc this season and there’s no reason to stop now,” said guard Jamar Wilson, who has attempted 132 three-pointers this year. “We have a few different guys on this team who can hit them. I just hope nobody gets any dumb ideas to shoot a regular jump shot or, God forbid, something in the paint. That’s just stupid. All we want to do is keep this game close so that we’ll still have a chance in the end to lose in a heartbreaking fashion.”

Albany isn’t the only underdog that will be relying on the 3-pointer. Southern University (19-12) will be facing off against the mighty Duke Blue Devils on Thursday, and they plan to heave up as many from behind the arc as possible in the hopes that some of them will find the bottom of the net.

“We can’t beat Duke in a conventional manner. We probably can’t beat them in any manner,” said forward Peter Cipriano. “So why not just fire away? At least then we can narrow the margin of victory and walk away with our dignity. We are just a small, humble little school. We treat basketball as a fun diversion. We don't have a chance against the big schools with the seriously fucked up priorities.”

Duke, UConn, and the rest of the number 1 seeds have vowed not to take their opening round opponents lightly, even though it’s unheard for a 1 seed to lose to a 16 seed.

“We’re not going to take these guys lightly,” said UConn coach Jim Calhoun. “I don’t care that we’re a big powerhouse school and they’re Albany. The 3-point line in college is like affirmative action for smaller schools. It gives them a fighting chance to make the game close. I’ll even go so far as to say we can lose this game if their guards get hot and start draining 3’s all over the place, and our guys play blindfolded while riding on unicycles and attempting to juggle bowling balls. OK, I’m being a wise-ass. We will win this game if, and only if, we show up.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.