3 Year Old Basketball Prodigy Can’t Rebound for Shit

ATLANTA, GA--Mark Walker, the three-year-old basketball prodigy signed by Reebok last week, reportedly can’t rebound for shit. The toddler was discovered when his parents sent Reebok a video of him sinking 18 consecutive free throws. While his shot is quite good for a 3-year-old, rumor has it that Walker is a one-dimensional player and will never make it in the NBA.

“Don’t believe the hype,” said ESPN basketball analyst Charley Rosen. “This kid’ll be a mediocre pro at best. Sure, he’s got a good shot, but the kid can’t even spell rebound.”

His defense is also suspect. Some experts, including Rosen, think that since he’s never actually played against an opponent, his defensive skills will fall far short of NBA level.

“He’s not much of a one on one defender, I can tell you that,” continued Rosen. “He has absolutely no concept of guarding the shooting hand or boxing his man out. No wonder he can’t rebound. And his knowledge of zone defense is non-existent. A simple 2-3-2 zone would probably send him crying to mommy.”

Why Reebok would sign such inexperienced, one-dimensional player is a mystery. He has little chance of making an impact in the league in the next couple years, and to top it all off, he still wets his pants.

Reebok chairman Mike O'Meara explains Reebok’s strategy: “Mark Walker is the future of the NBA. He’s a child prodigy. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old shoot like that? Nothing but net. So what if he can’t play defense or rebound? He has tremendous upside.”

There have been quite a few long-term deals given to youngsters in the past few months. First, there was Lebron James, who signed a 90 million-dollar deal with Nike. Then came Carmello Anthony, who signed a ten million-dollar deal with Reebok. Next, Nike signed Freddie Adu, a 13-year-old soccer player, to a million-dollar contract. And the latest in the string is Walker, 3-year-old basketball phenom. Time will only tell if these kids eventually pan out, but one thing is for certain: Their marketability will bring in lots of money to the sneaker companies that sign them.

The move does have his defenders. ESPN analyst Bill Walton says that the acquisition of the young man was the right move.

“This young man has an amazing shot,” Walton said . “The best shot for a three-year-old I've ever seen. The league has plenty of rebounders right now. What we need is scoring. Mark Walker is a classic sniper, who’s really going to help some team off the bench in the future”

For now, his parents and personal trainer are working on his rebounding skills to help develop Walker into a more versatile player. They spend about 3 hours a day making him chase basketballs around the house to improve his instincts and train him to attack the ball.

“He works harder than anyone,” said his personal trainer Eric Powers. “ After 3 hours of chasing a basketball around, he’s really beat. The other day he was crying, but I wouldn’t let him stop till he was done. He likes the way I push him and don’t let up. It’s the way all the great ones train.”

As soon as his rebounding skills improve enough to pass NBA muster, Walker will be schooled in the game's more complex aspects, such as the triangle offense, the pick and roll, and man-to-man defense.

“Believe me,” said Powers, “as soon as this kid gets a little better at ball handling, running the court, and not shitting his pants, he’s going to be a force to be reckoned with. I understand the second guessing that Reebok is getting right now, but they did the right thing. He might not be as versatile as a Lebron James or Carmello Anthony, but with his upside, he was impossible to pass up.”