WASHINGTON, DC--According to team and league sources, the Washington Nationals are currently putting together a lucrative trade package for Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano. Soriano signed an 8-year, $136 million contract with the Cubs just days ago, but the Nationals say they are “on a mission” to bring him back to Washington.

Jim Bowden, general manager of the Nats, admitted today that the team was pursuing Soriano.

“We’re putting something together, yes,” said Bowden. “Alfonso is considered to be the biggest prize of the free agency season and we would be crazy not to go after him. We’re on a mission to improve this team, and having a 40-40 guy around that can play infield and outfield will go a long way towards doing that. When you come across a player of this caliber, you grab hold and don’t let go.”

The Nationals had a chance to trade Soriano in the offseason in order to get some value for him before he hit free agency, but they declined, in the hope of signing him to a long term deal at the end of the season. He signed a deal with the Cubs instead, leaving the Nats on the outside looking in.

“In retrospect, we probably should have at least traded Alfonso when we had the chance,” said Bowden. “That way we wouldn’t have come out of this whole thing empty handed. But we really thought he was going to sign with us. Get this: he said he was comfortable here and that he liked Washington. Pardon me for thinking it was a slam dunk. I guess I just don’t know this business.”

Bowden wouldn’t discuss specifics of the trade package, but rumors are swirling that it involves third baseman Ryan Zimmerman and multiple top-flight pitching prospects. The Nationals would also be willing to pay Soriano’s entire contract.

“We’re prepared to part with some pretty good talent to get Soriano,” said Bowden. “Also, we understand the Cubs paid him a lot of money and would want us to pick up that whole salary. No problem. We’re anything but cheap. We’ll pay him for the whole duration of the deal - all 8 years of it. Wait a minute…8 years? Is that a typo? Wow, I guess the Cubs really wanted to lock this guy up. No problem. Like the Cubs, we want to show our fans that we’re committed to overspending now, overspending later, and possibly winning the division some time in the next 8 years.”

Unfortunately for the Nationals, the Cubs don’t seem willing to part with their newly-signed outfielder. GM Jim Hendry plans to build a team around him that will contend for years to come.

When reached for comment, Hendry said the Nationals trade proposal was “stupid.”

“Are these guys retarded?” asked Hendry. “They had all season to trade away this guy for some prospects, then they decide against it because they want to resign him, then they let him get away, and now they’re trying to give up a bunch of players to get him back? Wow, that has to be the stupidest, most bizarre idea I’ve ever seen. Well, I’m about to rescue them from themselves and say no. Not under any circumstances. Soriano is going to be in a Cubs uniform until he is an old, decrepit, useless albatross. And a few years after that, actually.”

Soriano has already put his days in a Washington uniform behind him and is eager to begin his career as a Cub. He says he’ll always have fond memories of Washington, but doesn’t see himself going back there any time soon.

“I have a no trade clause,” Soriano smiled. “I am going nowhere. Yes, Washington was my home and I loved it there, but I can learn to love Chicago for $138 million. I could learn to love Baghdad for that kind of money. It’s easy: you just close your eyes and think of $138 million then everything else just washes away. That’s going to come in handy nest season when I strike out for my 200th time and the fans are screaming death threats at me.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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