SAN DIEGO--Norv Turner, newly hired head coach of the San Diego Chargers, is being forced to defend his lousy track record just one day into his new job. Addressing criticisms of his 58-82 record in stints with the Washington Redskins and the Oakland Raiders, Turner claimed there were extenuating circumstances in both cases, namely that he was a shitty coach.

“Obviously when you see '58-82' you think ‘okay, this guy can coach to save his life,’” Turner said. “That’s understandable. But try to remember that things aren’t always what they seem. Oftentimes a coach can be victimized by poor players, injuries, or just plain bad luck. That wasn't the case with me, though. I just wasn't a good coach. Luckily we have a lot of great players here who are capable of overcoming that, and I'm going to make it a priority to stay out of their way. So if we don't go to the Super Bowl, it's really just a matter of our players being unable to overcome adversity.”

GM A.J. Smith has gone on record defending Turner, claiming that lousy rosters and poor front office leadership have contributed to his sub-par record. Turner responded to Smith’s claims by saying they were “simply not true.”

“Unfortunately, A.J.’s comments are simply not true,” Turner said. “I actually had some pretty decent talent in Washington and I couldn’t coach for shit. In Oakland, sure, I had some personnel issues, but I did nothing to improve the situation. I actually made it worse. So thanks, A.J., for the compliments, but let’s be real here: I’m a shitty coach, and you’re a shitty GM. The upside? We’ll both be on the same shitty page.”

The Chargers previous coach, Marty Schottenheimer, was fired after owner Dean Spanos declared the relationship between he and Smith “untenable.” Turner, however, expects to have no problems getting along with Smith.

“I am a quiet, humble servant and there will be no fireworks between myself and A.J.,” he said. “If A.J. makes a suggestion, I’ll go along with it. Hell, I already hired his favorite defensive coordinator, Ted Cottrell. And we have Ron Rivera as…linebackers coach? Okay, whatever. I think Ted and Ron should switch positions, but who am I to argue? I’m just an employee here. I’m not going to be a trouble maker like Marty ‘I-want-to-choose-my-own-coaches-because-AJ Smith-has-his-head-up-his-ass’ Schottenheimer.”

Despite his poor head coaching record, Turner is still considered to be one of the top offensive minds in the game. He has had several successful stints as an offensive coordinator, most recently with the San Francisco 49ers, where he helped mold the hapless Alex Smith into a capable NFL quarterback.

Smith believes Turner’s excellence at play-calling will improve the Chargers offense significantly.

“His track record as an offensive coordinator is pretty impressive,” Smith said. “Just look at what he accomplished last season in San Francisco. He made Alex Smith into a halfway decent quarterback. And how about the Dallas Cowboys? Remember Troy Aikman? Emmitt Smith? They would have sucked ass if it wasn’t for Norv. They owe their careers to him. Marty Schottenheimer, on the other hand, is an embarrassment as an offensive coach. He’s clueless. He is to offensive coaching what Norv Turner is to…head coaching. Okay, bad analogy.”

With a roster that includes LaDanian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates, Phillip Rivers, and Shawne Merriman, this may be Turner’s most talented team yet, which begs the question: Does it even matter if he can coach?

“I think it matters if he can coach or not,” said Tomlinson. “It always helps to have someone who can lead you and motivate you and inspire you. Marty was able to do that, even though he wasn’t the best x’s and o’s guy. Norv? I don’t know. He seems really subdued and had a track record of losing his players in Washington and Oakland. He was probably just a victim of circumstance, though. That’s always a convenient excuse. In fact, we can probably use it ourselves now that we have him as a coach.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.