COLUMBUS, OH--Ultimate Fighting is one of the most brutal, violent, and unforgiving sports in the world, so they men who fight it must be tough as nails in order to survive. They also must be comfortable with other men wrapping their thighs around their necks and sitting on their faces.

Ultimate Fighter Travis Silva has been participating in the homoerotic sport since he was a teenager, and has had more sweaty thighs sandwiching his face than he can remember. But, he says, it’s all part of the game.

“That’s just Ultimate Fighting for you,” said Silva, 30. “You’re half naked, the other guy is half naked, and you’re rolling around together. One time this guy was actually sitting on my face and his balls were on my nose, sort of like that hotel scene in Borat. Another time I took a guy’s bare foot right in my crotch, and it was there for a while. But it's not really gay, and if any of you pansies want to disagree, I’ll wrap my thighs around your face and squeeze the life out of you, motherfucker!”

So how does an Ultimate Fighter deal with the sight and stench of another man's balls in his face? You get used to it, says Silva.

“It’s something we all have to deal with and we just get used to it, okay?” said Silva. “Like, when I’m on my back and I’m being straddled by some dude who’s all in my face, I just close my eyes and picture my girlfriend. Then it’s actually pretty nice. Then when I'm beating the crap out of my girlfriend, I pretend I'm in the ring, so there's a nice little symmetry there.”

The UFC has grown over the past few years into one of the most popular spectator sports among men aged 18-35. It is viewed by many as a more exciting alternative to boxing, which lacks the sheer brutality and homoeroticism that America’s men crave.

“The appeal of Ultimate Fighting is that anything can happen in the ring,” said promoter Ian Zarga. “And it’s all done in a cage, surrounded by a bloodthirsty audience of screaming men and boys. It’s animalistic, really. Ultimate Fighting is like a death match. And don’t tell me it’s homoerotic, either. These guys have the hottest girlfriends you’ll ever see. Yes, I know Eddie Murphy does, too, but that's different. These guys are straight. I promise.”

UFC currently has a broadcast deal with Spike TV though 2008. Together, they will try to expand the sport into mainstream America by promoting the individual fighters and highlighting the excitement of mixed martial arts.

“This is a great opportunity for everybody in America to get hip to what we’re doing here,” said Doug Herzog, president of Spike TV. “We want people to get to know our fighters, and we want them to experience the awesome adrenaline rush of seeing these apes – uh, guys - pummel each other to a bloody pulp. But most of all, we want to appeal to the raging bloodlust of the nation’s young males. We all know it’s there, and somebody has to tap into it. It beats the hell out of re-runs of The A-Team - well, almost.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.