Ugly Women Fight For Right To Appear In Beer Commercials

GOLDEN, CO--Hundreds of angry ugly women demonstrated outside of Coors headquarters in Golden, CO, demanding an end to decades of discrimination at the hands of beer marketers. The demonstration was part of a nationwide awareness raising campaign launched by the NAUFA, The National Associated of Ugly Female Actresses.

“For far too long, beer companies like Coors have discriminated against women who are not pretty, blonde, and stupid,” said NAUFA director Karen McDougle. “Well we’re tired of it. We may not be stupid, but we have other things to offer. For instance, I am an elementary school teacher that is very active in the community. Surely they can find a place for me in one of their commercials. Plus I have a twin sister, Martha. Men are obsessed with twins these days, so why not us?”

McDougle said that beer marketers should embrace diversity when it comes to selling their product.

“Why should only shapely, attractive girls experience the joy of whoring themselves to a giant corporation?” asked McDougle. “It’s not fair. I love the crisp, full taste of Coors, as well as the full-bodied freshness of Budweiser. I’ll bet half those pretty girls don’t even like the taste of beer. Me, I can knock down a 12-pack in half an hour.”

Some of the women present at the demonstration had already auditioned for roles in beer ads and been rejected because of their appearance. A group of them, dubbed “The Ugly 7,” filed a lawsuit against three major beer makers alleging sexist hiring practices.

“We’re suing Bud, Coors, and Miller Lite because they rejected us based on our physical appearance,” said Susan Moore, 34-year-old actress from Minnesota. “They were extremely obvious about it, too. I walked into this little room where they were auditioning people for a Bud commercial, and the second the producers laid eyes on me, they burst into hysterics. One guy actually said, ‘Honey, get some breast implants, Botox injections, liposuction, and several painful hours of plastic surgery and maybe—maybe—you can be an extra way, way in the background. Until then, get out of my site.’ Then he had security escort me out. And you know what the worst part is? I don’t even think I’m getting the part.”

Another woman, 40-year-old nurse and part-time actress Helen Upshaw, claimed to have been physically threatened by Coors Lite marketing director Ralph Heim after attempting to audition for a role in one of their ads.

“This Ralph character was one of the rudest, most insensitive men I have ever seen,” said Upshaw. “When I walked into that room, the first thing he asked me was if I was part of the maintenance crew. When I said I was here to audition for a part, he jumped out of his seat and yelled ‘Get this hideous monster out of my sight! Security! Remove her and send in the blonde Siamese twins who share the same vagina!’ I never felt so small in my life. Actually, I’ve never felt so big in my life, since I was twice the size as any of the other actresses.”

If the lawsuit against the beer makers is successful, NAUFA and the Ugly 7 will recommend that each beer company institute an ugly women hiring initiative, similar to the minority hiring initiatives that MLB, the NFL, and the NBA employ. The initiative would force directors to consider ugly women as well as pretty women when they are casting for commercials.

Said McDougle: “It’s very simple. Beer companies would be required to audition a few buzzards when casting for their ads. We can’t force the producers to hire them, but we’re quite sure that they’ll do so on their own once they get to know them. When there are as many ugly girls in beer ads as there are pretty girls, our mission will be accomplished. You can’t ignore us, beer makers. We are here and we are ugly, and we are proud of it! OK, well, maybe we’re not proud of it. But we’ve learned to live with it.”

Pete Coors, head of the Coors brewing empire, has refused to budge from his staunch pro-pretty stance, and promised to fight NAUFA tooth and nail.

“When my father, Adolph Coors, came to this country, he was just a piece of shit immigrant with nothing,” said Coors in an interview with the Denver Post. “He built this beer empire through creativity, savvy marketing, and sexism. We can’t be expected to maintain our competitive edge over Bud and Miller Lite while hiring women who look like they work at the DMV. See, beer commercials are about fantasy--The fantasy that every girl in the world is pretty, that they all dress like total skanks, and that they all want to have sex with the fat losers who drink our beer. Beer also helps ugly girls look pretty, so I have a suggestion for the ugly girls out there: Drink a shitload of Coors and then stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. You’ll feel much better”