Entire Under Armour Football Team Tests Positive For Steroids

NEW YORK--According to sources, the entire Under Armour football team has tested positive for steroids. The team, which is featured in advertisements for Under Armour apparel, has long been suspected of being on performance enhancing drugs, and a recent series of tests confirmed those suspicions.

A member for the World Anti-Doping agency (WADA) ordered the tests after viewing one of the commercials.

“After seeing the ad in which the entire team is worked up into a frenzied rage, we grew suspicious,” said Richard W. Phibbs, a spokesman for the agency. “Then after several repeated viewings we noticed that every member of the team was covered in rock-hard, rippling muscles and some of them were actually foaming at the mouth. What could make them so excited? A cliché-ridden pep talk by their coach? No, it was steroids, and lots of them. To tell you the truth, we were a little afraid to approach them about it.”

The steroids were provided by the captain of the team, known as “Big E,” who often urges his teammates to “protect this house.”

“That one guy, Big E, he was the supplier,” said Phibbs. “He had a locker full of every illegal steroid imaginable. It makes perfect sense. Whenever you saw the team huddled together and jumping up and down with those grotesque veins bulging from their necks , it was because of the steroids. And Big E was the worst of them all. He’s obsession with protecting this house turned him into an inhuman monster.”

The coach of the Under Armour football team, Frank Mackey, was outraged at WADA for its decision to test his players. He even got into a shouting match with the lab technician assigned to the task. Fortunately, he was restrained by his players.

“OK, that guy is crazy,” said the technician, Albert Luber. “I was just doing my job and he comes over and starts getting in my face. He’s like ‘ Get the hell out of here! What do you think your doing? These are my players, you little faggot!’ And his face got all red, too. For a minute I thought he was going to have a coronary. How funny would that have been?”

In addition to the positive test, several witnesses testified that steroids are rampant in the Under Armour locker room. According to one trainer, the players ingested them “like they were M & M’s.”

“Of course these guys were juiced up. Duh. Anyone could have seen that,” said the trainer, who asked not to be identified. “Have you ever seen a group of grown men so excited about anything in your life? The chanting was really frightening. It looked more like a Hitler youth rally than a football team.”

The team has now been put on a regular testing program. For the next year they will each be subjected to a dozen urine tests, to be conducted at random. Minus the steroids, the mood in the Under Armour locker room was quite different. Even Big E himself was subdued.

“Well, I must say that this is a setback for us, ” he quietly told reporters. “Steroids are the only thing that really motivated us, other than wearing Under Armour apparel of course. Even that seems a little, I don’t know, trivial at this point. So it keeps you from sweating too much. Who really cares? It’s not like it cures cancer. And now that I’m losing my big muscles, this form-fitting shirt is starting to look a bit gay.”

Big E also voiced concern for his coach.

“I feel sorry for coach Mackey. He tried to give us a pep talk this morning and it had no effect on us whatsoever. Suddenly it all sounded very banal . How could a bunch of trite, overused sports cliches ever gotten me so pumped up in the first place? It's embarrassing. The worst thing is it was all on TV. I’ll never live that down.”