Under Armour Guy Subdued With Tranquilizer Dart

ATLANTA--Big E, spokesman for Under Armour apparel, was subdued by a tranquilizer dart last night after an altercation with authorities. The police were reportedly called to a gym in downtown Atlanta after witnesses heard “screaming and commotion” coming from inside.

“We were called to the scene at approximately 7:30 P.M. by local residents,” said Sgt. Lance Peterson of the Atlanta PD. “Upon arrival at the gym, we encountered Mr. E, who was clearly in the middle of a psychotic episode. After repeated pleas for calm, we were forced to subdue him with a tranquilizer dart. Actually, two tranquilizer darts. One is only big enough for a baby elephant.”

According to residents, the gym is located at the top of a large unmarked brick building. Large, muscular, spandex-wearing men are frequently seen entering and exiting the facility, which also houses an insurance company and a small travel agency. It is believed that the calls to police came from inside the building.

“I called. It was me,” said one witness, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I work in the building, but don’t tell anyone, OK? That guy scares the shit out of me. Anyway, there was all kinds of screaming and yelling and commotion coming from up there – way worse than usual. At one point, I was convinced someone was getting killed. I kept thinking how guilty I’d feel if someone did get killed and I didn’t do anything about it. So I called the cops. Hopefully, they’ll put that guy in a mental hospital where he belongs.”

Detectives have been interviewing witnesses all day in an attempt to piece together what went on in the gym. Sources say that Big-E is the owner of the gym and he had dozens of so-called “disciples” who were intimidated into wearing his Under Armour brand apparel. Members of the gym said he would repeatedly shout slogans at them, extolling them to lift more weights. The tactics usually worked.

One gym member, who wishes to be called “John”, claims that many of the men were frightened of Big E.

“He was one scary dude. I signed up for the gym because I heard this guy really kicks ass and pushes your limits. Sounded like the thing for me, because I am sort of undisciplined when it comes to going to the gym. Well, he came as advertised. The guy would run around the room shouting at the top of his lungs ‘We must protect this house!’ None of us had any idea what he was talking about, but we went along with it anyway.”

John went on to reveal that Big-E required every gym member to wear the tight black and white lycra attire of the Under Armour apparel company. He even went so far as to lead the men in a chant.

“We would follow him around clapping our hands,” John continued. “Then we would do this call and response thing, like I used to do in the Army. He would scream ‘Will you protect this house?’ and we would respond ‘I will! I will!’ Then he would say ‘Under Armour!’ and it was like ‘OK, fine. You like Under Armour. Whatever.’”

Another witness described the events that led to the call to the police.

“Well, we were just working out like we always do. Big E was stomping around screaming and yelling like he always does. It was just another day at the office. That is, until Mark showed up.”

Apparently, Mark is a friend of one of the members who came to the gym as a guest to “get in a good workout” before going on vacation. He was not apprised of Big E’s rules and regulations - namely, the wearing of Under Armour workout gear and mandatory responses to E’s rhetorical questions.

“Mark didn’t know,” the witness said. “Poor guy just didn’t know. He shows up in this goddamn gray piece of shit Russell Athletic T-shirt, and if that’s not bad enough, he didn’t even agree to protect the house.”

When Big E noticed Mark’s outfit, he immediately approached him.

“What the fuck are you wearing?” shouted Big-E.

“What do you mean?” responded Mark. “I’m wearing a gray T-shirt and khaki shorts, same thing I always wear when I work out.”

“Fuck you, motherfucker!” shouted E as he seized Mark by the collar and shoved him against the wall.

“Oh, man, Mark was scared shit right at that point,” said John. “We all were. We didn’t know what the penalty was for not wearing Under Armour apparel, and we didn’t want to know. But that wasn’t the worst of it. While he had him pinned up against the wall, he asked him if he would protect the house. Mark didn’t know what to say. I’ve never heard anyone say no before. But Mark’s an idiot sometime. He just said ‘House? What do you mean? This isn’t a house, it’s a gym. And protect it from who? Who’s threatening this house?’ And that was pretty much it for the Mark-ster.”

According to John, Big E went on a violent, bloody rampage that didn’t let up until the police came and subdued him.

“I’ve never been so happy to see the cops,” said John. “I don’t know who called them, but they may have saved some lives.”

The three officers immediately moved towards Big-E, who responded by throwing a 300-pound weight in their direction. After the officers made repeated demands for his surrender, Sgt. Peterson drew his weapon and pointed it at the enraged Big-E.

“It didn’t scare him at all,” Peterson explained. “It just made him angrier. Still, he wasn’t actually coming at us, so I was not authorized to use deadly force. That’s when I had an idea.”

Peterson’s idea was to send another officer out to the cruiser to retrieve the tranquilizer gun, normally reserved for wild, rabid animals.

“Officer Ashton was sent to the cruiser to get the tranq gun,” Peterson continued. “We’ve only used it once before, and that was for an escaped rhinoceros. I never thought I’d have to use it on a human.”

After another verbal attempt to force Big-E to surrender, Peterson ordered the tranquilizer gun fired at his left thigh.

“I got him dead-on with the first one,” said Officer Ashton. “It hit him in the fleshy part of the thigh. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect. He got even more enraged. At that point he started charging toward us, just like that rhino from the zoo, and I took aim and fired. The second dart hit him right in the shoulder, and he finally started slowing down.”

Big E then became woozy, lost his balance, muttered something about “this house” and collapsed to the floor. The frightened onlookers let out a sigh of relief and broke into spontaneous applause for Officer Ashton.

“Whew, that was a close one,” said John. “Thank God for those cops. We all might’ve been dead, or at least Mark would have been dead. I hope he learned a lesson from all of this. It is kind of ironic, though. In the end, we did end up protecting the house, but we were protecting it from Big E himself. I wonder if he’d appreciate the irony. I doubt it.”