TURIN, ITALY--The rebellious, devil-may-care members of the US ski team have made quite a splash at the Turin Olympics, shocking the world with their lack of medals and overall haplessness on the slopes. The group, led by renegade skier Bode Miller, has lost nearly every race with their trademark swagger and has succeeded in making losing seem cool.

“We don’t really care if we win or lose or whatever,” said Miller, who has won no medals despite being one of the most high profile athletes in the Olympics. “We just wanna go out there and have fun. Other athletes may be concerned about getting medals and getting their faces on TV, but not us. We just like to ski. It’s a spiritual thing for us. If you don’t believe me, check out my new Nike commercial.”

It’s not just Miller who has elevated losing to an art form. With the exception of surprise gold medalist Ted Ligety, the entire US ski team has been held without a medal, despite all the hype coming into the games.

“A lot of people were talking about the US downhill ski team in the weeks leading up to the games, but sometimes it’s hard to live up to all that hype,” US Ski Team Alpine director Jesse Hunt said Monday. “That hype can put a lot of pressure on you, though our guys would never feel that kind of pressure because they don’t care if they win or lose. They’re above that kind of thing. Way, way above it, apparently.”

Coming into the Turin games, the slogan for the US ski team was “best in the world.” Count Bode Miller among those who still believe that to be true.

“We are the best in the world. But you can’t measure that stuff by the amount of medals you win,” said Miller. “You measure it by how you ski. For instance, if I have an unbelievably great run that inspires the people that are watching me, I still feel like a great skater, even if I don’t win a medal. Sure, you could say that I haven’t even had any great runs so far, but that’s defeatist. I prefer to say that I’ve had lots of great runs, but people are just too stupid to appreciate them.”

The US has dominated in snowboarding events, winning six medals so far. But the US has an advantage in snowboarding since it invented the sport and is one of only a handful of nations to partake in it. Still, those medals count, too, says US Ski and Snowboard Association president Bill Marolt.

“The snowboarders have made us all very proud. We have garnered six medals in those events so far. I don’t want to hear any crap about it being a non-sport, either. You ride down a snowy mountain with a slippery board attached to your feet. It’s pretty much the same thing as skiing. The only real difference is the competitors are 14-year old junior high school kids instead of actual athletes. So in that sense, it is about three times more annoying.”

Skier Daron Rahlves, who alongside Miller, Ligety, and Erik Schlopy appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Olympic preview issue under the banner “Fearless,” missed a gate during a slalom run on Monday and will retire without any medals at all. It’s especially disappointing to Rahlves because he was such a heavy favorite before the games.

“I have to say I’m pretty upset that I didn’t win a medal,” said Rahlves. “But the important thing to remember is that I tried really hard and I had a great time. Like Bode says, it’s not about the medals, it’s about the run. In a sense, we had an extremely successful showing this year because despite the fact that we didn’t win, we all had runs. You know, we all skied down the hill. That’s a victory in and of itself, and it should be more than enough to get us endorsement deals with Nike.”

As a result of the US ski team failing to medal, children across America have embraced losing in order to be like their heroes. At least, that’s what Bode Miller thinks.

“We definitely have made losing cool,” he said. “We’ve shown that winners don’t always win; sometimes they lose, too. Do you follow me? No? Well, screw you then. I don’t care what people think. I’m going to keep skiing and keep losing and if you want to follow along, just go to JoinBode.com. Please go there and visit repeatedly. I get paid by the click.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.