EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ--Newly acquired Net Keith Van Horn arrived in New Jersey today, where he made a promise to the throng of fans and media that he would bring an NBA championship to the state of New Jersey.

“It’s great to be a New Jersey Net,” Van Horn said to the crowd outside the Izod Center. “And I’m looking forward to doing what I was brought here to do: win a championship! That's right, we're bringing it home to East Rutherford. The rest of the league is on notice.”

Van Horn then took some time to call out his new conference rivals.

“The Celtics, Pistons, Cavaliers, and the Magic all better watch out,” he said. “This is a dream lineup. Van Horn, R-Jeff, Vincanity and that other guy there, the Russian. And forget about Jason Kidd. He's nothing. The only people that are going to miss him in this town are the strippers. And even they were starting to get a little sick of his shit.”

Van Horn admitted that the past few days “have been a roller coaster ride” and thanked Rod Thorn for working so hard to get the deal done.

“Rod did a great job negotiating this thing and seeing it through,” he said. “A lot of people say you never get equal value when you trade away your franchise players, but I think Mr. Thorn did a great job of getting equal value for Jason. If you toss in Devin Harris and the draft picks, this is a pretty good haul.”

Van Horn’s new teammates were buzzing about his arrival in the locker room prior to Tuesday’s practice. Vince Carter said he hoped Van Horn would “inject some life” into the team, and Richard Jefferson called it “a new beginning.”

“This is really a new beginning for us,” said Jefferson. “ Losing Jason will be tough, but we’re getting some pretty good talent in his place. Keith is a good player. That Devin kid is pretty good, too, even though he looks a little gangly. And he just annoys the shit out of me for some reason. I guess I'll have to get over that.”

Not everyone on the Nets was excited to see Van Horn, and some privately complained about all the attention he was receiving.

“Who does this guy think he is?” asked one player, who asked not to be identified. “He comes strolling in there like he owns the place, and everybody treats him like a conquering hero. I got news for everyone: he’s not going to win us a title. He’s lost a step, he won’t be able to create his own shot and he’s an injury risk. The other issue is that he’s the worst goddamn player that ever lived.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.