LAS VEGAS--For the first time in history, the NBA All-Star game was held in a city without an NBA franchise, Las Vegas. The decision to play there was surprising, considering commissioner David Stern’s refusal to associate with Vegas in the past. But, lured by dollar signs and a desire to placate corporate sponsors, Stern tossed aside his moral qualms and got in bed with Sin City.

The decision caused him to feel an odd kinship with the whores that prowl the Vegas strip.

“You know, I was thinking,” Stern said while driving down the strip in his limo. “Me and these hookers are very much alike, figuratively speaking. I mean, we both whore ourselves to anyone with cash in their pocket, we both sacrifice our personal integrity to get in bed with greasy, crooked men, and we both have a hard-on for celebrities and CEO’s. I guess the only difference is that I’m more like a pimp, in that I'm whoring out the NBA. Whatever. The point is, I really hate myself right now.”

Stern spent much of the weekend with Oscar Goodman, the hard drinking, hard partying mayor of Las Vegas. While he admitted to feeling “a little dirty” hanging around Goodman, Stern said in the end, it was worth it.

“Mayor Goodman is kind of a tool, but sometimes in this business you have to get down in the gutter and do your thing,” said Stern. “That’s the life of a prostitute. It is the world’s oldest profession, and it comes in many forms. Some prostitutes get on their knees in a literal sense, and some get on their knees in a figurative sense. Wanna guess which one I am? The latter, of course - except for a tiny, 15 minute ‘party’ Saturday night with the president of T-Mobile. Hey, they sponsored the Slam Dunk contest. What was I supposed to say, ‘I have a headache?’”

According to Stern, the wildly successful All-Star weekend may actually lead to an NBA franchise for Las Vegas, a prospect that seemed remote just a few years ago.

“Could there be an NBA in Vegas in the future? Yes, I think there could,” said Stern. “This city is the entertainment capital of the world. Also, certain current NBA cities – I won’t mention any names – are having problems building new arenas, and it always helps to have a backup plan. What I’m saying is: Build a new arena, Sac-town, or the Kings will be moving to Vegas with their dork owners and you’ll be relegated to being the answer to a trivia question about the capital of California. Actually, let me restate that in a more diplomatic way: We love Sacramento and want the team to stay there.”

Despite his enthusiastic embrace of Las Vegas, Stern is still holding firm to his demand that gambling on NBA games be prohibited. No sports books were allowed to take bets on the All-Star game over the weekend, a trend that will probably continue if the league approves a Vegas franchise.

“One thing we don’t need is for this league to be associated with gambling,” said Stern. “We don’t mind the other stuff about Vegas: the strip clubs, drugs, alcohol, gangs, rampant poverty and crime, the fact that the entire city has become a living, breathing cliché – it’s all good. But we’re not going to associate ourselves with gambling. We’re above that kind of thing. It's pure evil.”

As his plane departed from Las Vegas Sunday night, the commissioner looked down at the glittering lights of the strip and reflected on what makes Vegas so appealing to so many people.

“Look at that place,” Stern said as he gazed out his window. “All those whores down there, all those tourists and gamblers and billionaires, everybody trying to be a part of some stupid fantasy world that only exists to make itself bigger and phonier – it’s amazing. I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty doing business here, but I guess you can’t be a good prostitute without getting your hands a little sticky. See, that’s why I brought along these wet-naps.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.