Next Week’s Vikings Sex Party Cancelled

EDINA,MN--According to a report from the Minnesota Vikings clubhouse, next week’s sexy party, which was to be held on Lake Minnetonka, has been cancelled. The report came from a source in the Vikings locker room. When questioned about it, cornerback Fred Smoot admitted it was true.

“Well yes, that is actually true,” he said sheepishly. “The truth is, the sex party for next week is cancelled. Actually, they’re canceled until further notice. We had a little problem with the law, if you follow me. Everybody that was gonna show up, just sit tight. I’ll let you know when things have quieted down.”

Smoot refused to elaborate on possible locations for future parties, but assured that none would be on boats.

“No more damn boats. We can’t do that anymore,” he said. “Whoever blew the whistle ruined for everyone. Next time we have a sex party, it can’t be on a boat. It can’t be in a hotel, either. Or a night club. We’re starting to run out of places. It's just a shame that you can't even have a public sex orgy anymore without someone shooting their mouths off about it.”

The Vikings made news last week when several of their players were accused by a charter boat company of performing “lewd and inappropriate” acts on a boat that was rented by Fred Smoot. It’s been a rough season for the Vikings, who boast a 1-4 record and one of the league’s worst defenses. The latest scandal will only compound the team’s problems.

“Man, it can’t get any worse than it is right now,” said cornerback Antoine Winfield. “Things have unraveled pretty quickly. And now this. There are no more sex parties. That’s the one thing that made this season bearable. Ah, the good times we had on those boats. One time I even brought my wife and kids with me. I put them in a special “wife and kids dingy” which was anchored about fifty yards away. Right around midnight, with the moon reflecting off the water, I raised my wine glass to them. Then I walked around the other side of the boat and got a lap dance.”

Not all the Vikings have been accused of being on the boat. Some players said they had no knowledge of such parties and were as surprised at the news as everybody else.

“Sex parties? That’s crazy,” said tight end Jermaine Wiggins. “I’ve never heard of such a thing. Are you telling me that they had booze and strippers and they were having sex right there on the boat? Wow. I see. When I asked Daunte what he was doing last weekend, he said he was ‘catching up on some reading.’ Then he told me not to call him. Then he told me if I heard anything about a party on a boat to not show up because there was no such thing. Then he started walking out the door and said ‘Party boat, here I come..’ Looking back on it, I think there was something amiss.”

Coach Mike Tice was relieved to hear that the infamous parties had been suspended. With his job on the line, he’ll take any good news he can get.

“It’s a good decision on the part of Fred and the rest of the players not to hold these little get-togethers anymore,” said Tice. “It goes against everything the Vikings stand for. Granted, the Vikings of Nordic history were wild-eyed savages who traveled on boats, raping and pillaging everything in sight, but I don’t think we’re supposed to take the comparison literally.”

Now that the sex parties have been postponed indefinitely, the players are ready to focus on football. Their next opponent is the Green Bay Packers, and the Vikings have had some spirited practices this week in anticipation of the big game.

“I haven’t seen us looking this good in a while,” said Culpepper. “We’re hitting hard, running crisp routs, and practicing with a ton of intensity. I guess it’s for the best that we can’t have those parties anymore. I don’t think they were helping our focus. Now we can get back to the business of winning football games and giving the people of Minnesota what they so richly deserve: A professional football team that does not have sex orgies during the regular season.”