Vince Young Doesn’t Give A Shit That He’s Failing Calculus

AUSTIN, TX--This week, Texas quarterback Vince Young learned that he was failing calculus. Don’t expect him to shed any tears, though. The junior signal-caller is on the verge of a long and lucrative NFL career and doesn’t give a shit if he can spell calculus.

“I’m failing calculus? Ha ha ha ha, that’s funny,” said Young, who finished second in the Heisman voting behind Reggie Bush. “I guess I should stay after school and get some extra help right? Maybe I should get a tutor. I have a better idea: Maybe I should skip the rest of my classes and go on to be an NFL superstar. Gee, that’s an attractive option. Maybe I don’t need that tutor after all.”

Young has had a difficult time concentrating on his studies the past few months. His team is ranked second in the nation and will face USC for the national championship. It’s also been his best season individually, something that would not have been possible had he studied or attended class.

“It’s been an amazing year for me and my team,” Young continued. “Academics are the furthest thing from my mind. Calculus? What do I care about that? I didn’t even know I was enrolled in it. I’ll get that homework in as soon as I can, though, professor. Don’t you worry. I’m slaving away on it right now. It’s my top priority, right behind my interview with Bryant Gumbel and my massage.”

Young’s professors may not like his attitude towards academics, but there is little they can do. With a promising NFL career laid out before him, the youngster is firmly in the driver’s seat.

“Vince is a good kid but he’s not really focused on his studies right now,” said professor Richard Weinstein. “It’s understandable, but if I was Vince I would find something to fall back on just in case football doesn’t work out. You never know, he could sign that first contract, get that $30 million signing bonus and then get injured. Then what will he do? His career will be over, with nothing to show for it but $30 million.”

Several other players on the Texas Longhorns have similar feelings about studying. If they’re talented enough, they know they’ll be in the NFL someday and school will be a distant memory.

Coach Mack Brown acknowledged the difficulties in getting his players to stay focused on school work.

“Human nature being what it is, it’s very difficult to get these kids to look at the big picture,” Brown said. “Even if they do go to the NFL, getting a college degree is important. I tell my kids that every day. I sit them down, look them in the eye, and say ‘If you don’t concentrate on your studies, young man, you’ll be off this football team.’ Of course, I only tell that to the role players. The stars can take a shit on their desks for all I care. They’re keeping me employed.”

Young has not said whether he plans to return to school next year, but if he does, he’ll have the same lackadaisical approach to his studies. In fact, he might not attend class at all

“Will I attend class next year? I don’t know. I probably will once in a while. It’s real hard to concentrate, though, when you’ve got a life like I do. Sometimes teachers ask me to hand in my homework. You know what I say? I say ‘Sure, I’ll hand in my homework as soon as I finish leading my nationally ranked team to victory in front of a hundred thousand adoring fans.Then I might get around to it.’ I just love seeing the look on the teacher's face after I say that. It's probably the one thing I will miss most about playing college football.”