Departure Of Kurt Warner Enables Rams To Start Cursing Again

ST LOUIS, MO--The departure of veteran quarterback Kurt Warner has had a ripple effect on the Rams organization. Aside from opening the door for Marc Bulger to be the team’s starting quarterback, Warner’s exit has had a noticeable effect in the locker room, too, where Rams players and coaches are now able to curse again without receiving a lecture.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck-ety, fuck ,fuck!” shouted Mike Martz, as he walked into his office yesterday morning. “Fuck, shit, piss, bitch, asshole! Ahhh, that feels good. Sorry, I just have to do that every once in a while now that Kurt’s gone. When you go so long without it, you start to miss it. We’re all pretty relieved that he’s been traded away. Do you know how hard it is to run a football team without profanity? It’s hard. Kurt’s a great guy and all, but there are times when he can be a fucking bitch.”

Martz is referring to Warner’s deeply held religious beliefs, which do not allow for cursing of any kind. The former QB stated early in his tenure with the Rams that he did not wish to be in the presence of foul language in the locker room or on the field. His teammates obliged as best as they could, but most were relieved to discover that Warner had signed with another team.

“When I heard Kurt was gone, I was like ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,’” said running back Marshall Faulk. “I just walked around the locker room singing a little song that was comprised entirely of swear words. It’s funny because I’ve never really been that much of a curser. I guess you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone, because now I’m cursing my fucking balls off.”

Faulk isn’t the only Rams player reveling in his freedom to use naughty words. All through the locker room, profanities are flying through the air like footballs.

“Shit fuck I twisted my ankle today,” said wideout Torry Holt, limping around in a towel. “Oh fuck me, it really frigging hurts. Goddamn it! I guess I'm just going to have to keep swearing until it gets better. Fuck!”

Even Marc Bulger has gotten into the act. The quarterback, himself a born-again Christian, is able to utilize more colorful language than when Warner was in the locker room. He doesn’t swear often, but when he does, he savors every moment of it.

“I can understand why Kurt didn’t want people cursing in the locker room,” said Bulger. “Cursing is a sin and an insult to God. Some Christians really take that seriously and refuse to utter even the most harmless off-color word. I mean, I’m pious and everything, but I’m not the goddamn Messiah. I’m just a man, and men occasionally swear. Unless your Kurt Warner of course, and you’ve got God’s phone number on your fucking speed dial.”

Members of the media have noticed the change in the Rams locker room since the departure of Warner. Several have even complained to team management that the foul language has become completely out of control. Still, others maintain that it’s much better this way.

Lisa Steward of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch said she was shocked by the amount of curse words that are being uttered in the Rams locker room lately.

“Wow, what a difference a year makes,” said Steward. “When Kurt was here, everyone was on their best behavior. Nobody wanted to offend the guy because he was so damn sensitive. Anytime someone would swear his face would get all red and he’d storm out. Now, it’s the polar opposite. It’s like being in a room with a bunch of sailors. Actually, it’s like being in a room with a bunch of NFL players. It’s not bad, although I didn’t appreciate Mike Martz calling me a cunt the other day.”

Another reporter from Post-Dispatch claimed to have been sexually harassed by a Rams player early this season. Oddly enough, she claimed to have been “relieved” after the incident.

“One of their guys, I won’t say his name, came over and grabbed my ass as I was standing around waiting for an interview,” she said. “That kind of stuff never happened while Kurt was in the locker room. He really kept everyone in line. When it happened to me, I was angry at first, but then I was strangely relieved. Being in an NFL locker room with no sexual harassment is a little jarring, a little disorienting. It’s like being in a baseball locker room without, well…without sexual harassment. As soon as I felt that hand on my ass, I turned around and said ‘It’s about time.’ Then when I got home I called my lawyer and filed a harassment suit against the guy. So I guess the jokes on him.”