LAS VEGAS--With the Super Bowl behind them, the nation’s wealthiest one percent – made up of CEO’s, athletes, celebrities, and other VIP’s – will now shift their focus to the NBA All Star game, to be held February 18th in Las Vegas. The game is second only to the Super Bowl in terms of glitz and glamour, and this year the league has even decided not to sell tickets to the general public.

“Oh I can’t wait for the NBA All Star game!” said David Granderson, vice president of T-Mobile, Inc. “I’ve got a luxury box and a room at the Palms Hotel and I’m going to gamble and go to night clubs and eat at fancy restaurants and hopefully, God willing, rub shoulders with famous people! And the general public? Not allowed into the game. Sorry, losers! You can do your part by logging onto the internet and whining about your favorite player not making it. I’m sure the NBA gives a shit about your grievance.”

This year marks the first time the game has been held in a city without an NBA franchise. The league chose Las Vegas because its status as the Entertainment Capital of the World was the best way to lure the nation’s most awesome people to the game.

“Las Vegas is like an adult playground,” said Commissioner David Stern, “so we thought this would be an appropriate venue to have our annual celebration. Yes, I’ve opposed bringing the NBA to Las Vegas for years, but this really isn’t about me. This is about our corporate sponsors. Those are the freaks who pay tens of thousands of dollars for season tickets, so we’ve got to show them a good time - if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean…you know…I mean…whores, okay? They’re all getting whores. Jesus, do I have to spell everything out for you?”

But the All-Star game isn’t just about corporate sponsors. It’s also about celebrities. For the final weekend in February, Las Vegas will be celebrity-central, with hundreds of stars hanging around hoping to see and be seen.

Shaquille O’Neal, who will be attending his 14th All-Star game, says meeting celebrities is his favorite part of the festivities.

“It’s cool because you get to meet the people you see in movies and on TV, and they get to meet you,” said O’Neal, who was voted to the All-Star game on the strength of his stellar 2000 season. “I got to meet Ashton Kutcher last year, and Justin Timberlake, and Samuel L. Jackson, and Eva Mendes, and some plastic-looking thing that I thought was a deformed department store mannequin but turned out to be Jenna Jameson. Did you know she’s 82 years old now?”

Shaq doesn’t think he’ll see much playing time in the actual game, but for him, All-Star weekend isn’t about the game.

“I probably won’t play many minutes because of my injuries, but I’ll have a good time anyway,” he said. “I don’t even know why the hell I got voted in, to tell you the truth. I’ve barely even played this year. I guess the fans are just kind of retarded. Hey, that’s why they’re now allowed into the game. No dummies allowed! Except for the players.”

Las Vegas mayor Oscar B Goodman is preparing to welcome the NBA with open arms. He has been campaigning for an NBA franchise for years and believes a good showing during All-Star weekend will go a long way toward making that happen.

“We are going to extraordinary lengths to be hospitable the NBA and their guests,” said Goodman. “We want to present an image of ourselves as a worthy NBA city. We already have a connection to the league in the Maloof Brothers, owners of the Palms hotel and resort. I love those guys! They’re like athletes, CEO’s, and celebrities all wrapped up into one stumpy little package. And they’re building a big fucking obscene tower here while simultaneously trying to get the city of Sacramento to pay for a new arena. Isn’t that ballsy? That’s exactly the kind of can-do spirit that made Las Vegas the sleaziest city on earth.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.