ST LOUIS--In an incident that further illustrated the talent gap between the American and National League, pitcher Jeff Weaver, who had a 6.29 ERA in the American League, struck out all 27 batters in his debut with the St Louis Cardinals. Weaver also went 4-4 at the plate with 2 home runs.

“Whew, that was fun,” Weaver told reporters after the game. “There’s nothing like National League baseball. This is the way it was meant to be played. No big hitters, no moneyball, not tape measure home runs, just good old fashioned small ball. I tell you, I felt like Superman out there. Nobody could touch me. And you know what the best part is? I still haven’t even thrown a curveball.”

Weaver was also impressed with the fact that the National League doesn’t use the designated hitter.

“There’s no DH in this league,” he said. “That makes a huge difference. You get to face the pitcher, who is inevitably batting around .200, and the number 8 batter, who is like the number 9 batter in the AL. The rest of the lineup isn’t too hot either. I’m just really glad I spent the past few months in the American League. That totally toughened me up. One thing’s for certain: I will never, ever go back there again – unless someone offers me a long-term contract.”

After the game, the Houston lineup admitted to being baffled by Weaver’s amazing control and velocity. Morgan Ensberg, a career National Leaguer, couldn’t remember the last time he saw such a dominating performance.

“That was the best pitching performance I’ve ever seen,” said Ensberg, who struck out 3 times. “He struck everybody out. We didn’t have a chance. I can’t believe he had a 6.29 ERA in the American League. Damn, those must be some good hitters. What the hell are we doing wrong? Then again, is it something that we’re not doing? Something that would enhance our performance somehow? I think you know what I’m talking about, don’t you? I’m talking about extra batting practice. It can’t hurt.”

Weaver’s start provided a shot in the arm for the Cardinals, who have been struggling mightily the past few weeks. Now that they have a real American League pitcher on their roster, many in the clubhouse are talking about a World Series appearance.

“This could be the one piece that puts us over the top,” said manager Tony LaRussa. “Anytime you can pick up an American Leaguer and bring him into the fold it’s a good thing. Those guys can flat-out play. The one exception, of course, being Sidney Ponson, who can’t pitch in the National League or the American League, and probably shouldn’t even pitch in celebrity softball games at this point.”

LaRussa has already recommended that the Cardinals resign Weaver “at any cost.”

“The fact is, this is a world class pitcher, and he’s exactly what the doctor ordered for our struggling ballclub. If we don’t pay this guy, somebody else will. Hell, the Angles gave him an $8 million deal last year. $8 million? Jesus, I wouldn’t pay that guy five bucks in the American League. In the American League Jr, however, I’d pay him as much as he wanted.”

With Weaver now the odds-on favorite to win the Cy Young in the National League, his old team is wondering if it made a mistake in letting him go.

“I don’t know how that guy got so good so fast,” said Angels GM Bill Stoneman. “He couldn’t get out of his own way with us. Plus, he's been in the National League before and was never that good. I guess coming back to the AL a sharpened his stuff a little. Well, I certainly wish him luck with the Cardinals. As for us, we have to get some pitching for the stretch run. If we can't find any here in the AL, we’re going to have to look in Triple A, followed by Double A, then Single A, then college, then high school, then, if we get really desperate, the National League. God help us all if it gets to that point.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.