ESPN Apparently Serious About Web Gem Awards Show

BRISTOL, CT--ESPN aired a Web Gem Awards special on Thursday night, proving that it was actually serious about airing a special program based on a meaningless award created by ESPN producers. The banal, soul-crushing special robbed its viewers of one hour of their precious lives which they can never, ever have back. Karl Ravech hosted, along with judges Harold Reynolds, Linda Cohn, and some guy named “The Schwab.”

“Web Gems awards are extremely important, prestigious awards given out to guys who make nice plays,” said Ravech, who also hosts Baseball Tonight, a show that actually has a purpose for existing. “Whether it be a diving stab at second base or a sliding catch in the outfield, these players have distinguished themselves with their defensive prowess. Basically they’re just doing their jobs, but we feel athletes in general don’t get enough attention. It’s time to shed some light on these unsung heroes.”

Despite Ravech’s passionate defense of the awards show, many were still surprised that ESPN would air something so completely pointless and trivial. Daniel Christie of TV Guide said the Web Gem Awards show established a new low, even for ESPN.

“Web gem awards? Why? What’s the point? Is this what we’ve come to?” asked Christie in his weekly column. “Everyone knows that ESPN has the market cornered on mundane, frivolous filler, but this sets a new standard. It’s one thing to put the web gems at the end of Baseball Tonight as an excuse to show off some good glovework, but an awards show? That’s like having an awards show for the year’s prettiest base hits. Oh God, don’t tell them I said that. I don’t want to give them any ideas.”

When Christie saw the advertisement for the Web Gem Awards during a college football game, he thought it was a joke.

“You know how ESPN has all of those funny commercials? That’s what I thought this was,” said Christie. “In fact, I turned to my wife and said ‘You know, that was the first one of those commercials that was actually kind of funny.’ And she agreed. Then we saw the actual show and realized it was no joke. There was nothing funny about it at all, except for that look of torment on Karl Ravech’s face. I thought he was being castrated under the desk.”

After the mind-numbing event was over, Christie could not remember one single web gem from the entire show.

“I don’t know. I think there was a good catch by Torii Hunter that sort of sticks in my mind,” he said. “But frankly, I don’t give a shit. They’ve managed to take some of those most exciting highlights of the season and make them passé. They repeat every one three or four times, then they do it in slow motion from every possible angle. Then Harold, Linda, and ‘the Schwab’ analyze it. By the time it’s over, you’re just waiting for them to move on to the next one. And who the hell is this ‘Schwab’ guy? Is he one of the light guys or something?”

ESPN executives defended the program, arguing that it drew fairly high rankings for its time slot. The show’s producer, Carol Francis, said that web gems are very popular among viewers and the awards special was designed to showcase the year’s best plays.

“Why wouldn’t we want to recognize the year’s best defensive plays?” she asked. “Somebody has to do it. It’s not like major league baseball is going to do it. Well, OK, they do have the gold glove awards, but that’s different--different in the sense that it doesn’t involve ESPN. That’s not acceptable.”

As the show’s host, Karl Ravech is the face of the WGA’s. He is also a staunch advocate of the show, which he calls “exciting and relevant.”

“For a player, winning a web gem is like winning an Oscar or a Grammy. It’s a huge honor. And for viewers it’s a chance to see those plays that you already saw on Baseball Tonight and Sportscenter from several different angles with energetic techno music in the background. If you can’t get excited over that, your either a terrible baseball fan or you’ve got something better to do.”