Trash Cans: In Or Out? Whiffleball Game Ends In Controversy

MADISON, WI--A Madison, Wisconsin whiffleball game ended in controversy yesterday as players argued whether a potential base hit landed in foul or fair territory. The line drive, hit by Mark Miller, 24, landed in the small gated area designated for the family’s trash cans, an area previously untouched by batted balls. It was unclear whether the area represented fair or foul territory, and the ensuing dispute resulted in a stalemate, with both teams unwilling to budge from their positions.

“That would’ve been a huge hit,” said Ralph McGlockton, 26. “It was a tie score late in the game. We weren’t about to give him that one. It’s obviously a foul ball. Those trash cans are way the hell over there.”

But the opposition disagrees with McGlockton’s assessment. They claim that since the trash cans are on the right side of the big oak tree, which represents the foul pole, that the hit should clearly be considered fair.

“Look,” said Miller, “that oak tree is the foul pole, the trash cans are to the right of the foul pole. In my book, that’s a fair ball. McGlockton is a fucking crybaby.”

According to sources close to the players, the fair and foul lines were established before game time, but none of the players took into account the trash can area, situated in a hard to get spot that has never been a factor in previous games.

“We always go over the boundaries before the game just so there’s no confusion, but the way that trash can area is situated, its never really come up,” said Lenny Bloomberg, 28. “Its kind of nestled in their among the trees, and usually the ball hits a branch on the way down and lands somewhere else. But somehow it found its way through. It doesn’t matter though, clearly it’s a foul. Those guys are being fucking pricks about it.”

The point of contention is that the trash can area is technically located in fair territory, but since its obscured by trees, its impossible for the right fielder to gain access to the area in order to make a play on the ball.

“If I can’t make a play on it, then how can it be fair?” asked McGlockton. “How? Exactly. Nobody has an answer for that one, do they?”

The two three-person teams are bitter rivals and have spent the summer playing highly contested whiffleball matches at Miller’s home in Madison. Miller has used his dazzling knuckle-curve to stifle the opposing batters while Bloomberg’s bat is the stuff of legend. Both teams routinely engage in trash talking as a way to rattle each other. Occasionally, it works.

“Fucking Lenny. Every time he hits a home run he hums that theme from The Natural. You know, duh…duh-duh-duh-duhhhh. He’s such a dick about it,” said McGlockton. “That stuff causes a lot of bad blood between us.”

The increasing tension peaked last weekend when a disputed foul tip caused a bitter argument that nearly resulted in fisticuffs. According to Miller, opponent Sid Murphy swung and missed and the game was over. But Murphy insists it was a foul tip.

“He swung and missed. Its simple as that,” Miller said of Murphy. “I threw him this sick rainbow curve that started out way behind him then just dropped right over the plate. He didn’t know what to do. He takes this desperation swing and misses by a mile. That would've been game right there. Then he starts saying that he foul tipped it. He swears up and down that he’s telling the truth. That kid is such a liar. I was so pissed I threw the ball at his head”

Murphy, or “Murph”, as he is known to his friends, responded by flinging the bat in the direction of Miller, narrowly missing the pitcher as he leapt out of the way. McGlockton then came between the two men and urged calm before Miller stormed off the field proclaiming that he would never play with these fucking pussies again. The game was not resumed, and ended officially in a tie.

Whether the current game will be resumed has not yet been decided. Since no won-loss records are kept, and every game is a separate entity, the common practice is to forget the last game and start anew.

In addition, the trash can situation was addressed and the players argued over whether the area should be considered foul or fair. That argument also ended in a stalemate.

“I’m like, 'There’s no way that’s gonna count as a fair ball since you can’t even make a play on the ball'. But they’re like ‘its in fair territory’. So whatever. I’m not letting that be a fair ball. Fuck that. I don’t even care if we don’t play anymore.”

At press time it was unknown whether the whiffleball season would continue. But the prospect is looking dim as one player, McGlockton, recently acquired a girlfriend and another, Miller, claims he needs to grow up and stop getting so worked up over whiffleball games.