MIAMI--Following a loss on Monday night that put them on the brink of elimination, the Detroit Pistons are searching for answers. The once unbeatable club, who many thought would cruise to the NBA title, looks lost, vulnerable, and apathetic. But they’re not giving up just yet. With their backs against the wall, the Pistons have vowed to go out whining.

“We’re not playing well. We just aren’t the same team that we were earlier in the year,” said guard Richard “Rip” Hamilton. “It’s time for us to either put up or shut up, or, as a third option, whine like crazy. Maybe that will get us back on track. And if it doesn’t, at least we’ll go down like men – petty, petty men..”

So far, Hamilton has avoided most of the whining and bickering that has gripped the Pistons locker room, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and Hamilton is willing to do “whatever it takes” to help his team advance to the next round.

“I’ll do what I need to do,” Hamilton said. “I am a team player. I don’t particularly enjoy whining, but we’re fighting for our lives here. They say that whenever the Chicago Bulls struggled, Michael Jordan would stand up in the locker room and encourage his teammates to be petulant crybabies and shift the blame from themselves to the coaching staff. For whatever reason it worked. Hopefully it will work for us, too, because it's way too late now to start playing decent basketball.”

One of the most vocal whiners this postseason has been center Ben Wallace. Wallace has criticized coach Flip Saunders for his offensive approach and insisted that the team needs to get back to its roots – suffocating, aggressive defense – if they’re going to have any chance to overcome the 3-1 deficit against the Heat.

“Coach Saunders is doing a horrible job. There, I said it,” Wallace said after Monday night’s 89-78 loss. “No, of course its not the player’s fault. Our fault? How could it be our fault? We’re the Detroit Pistons. We are fucking awesome. The only way we can lose is through bad coaching. See, we lost in the finals last year because Larry Brown was too much of a distraction. And now we’re losing because Flip Saunders is totally inept. Jesus, aren’t there any good coaches out there anymore?”

When Flip Saunders was hired to replace Larry Brown last season, many Pistons players breathed a sigh of relief. Finally they had a coach who put the team’s interest and front of his own career and stressed exciting, up tempo basketball over boring old defense. Now those players have changed their tune.

“Remember at the beginning of the year how excited everyone was about Flip’s style of coaching?” said forward Rasheed Wallace. “That was funny. I don’t know what the hell happened since then, but we just aren’t the same team. The only thing left to do now is point fingers and assign blame. And you know where those fingers are pointing, right? No, not to me for being a disruptive jackass. No, not to Ben Wallace for being unable to graze the rim on a free throw. Nope, keep guessing. Come on, do I have to spell it out for you? It’s Flip Saunders, the guy not wearing the uniform. Get a clue, people.”

The collective sound of the Pistons whining has reached a fever pitch, but will it be enough to rally them back from a 3-1 deficit? Probably not, says Flip Saunders, who would prefer to see his team play championship basketball instead.

“I really admire all the effort the players are putting into the whining and complaining,” Saunders said. “But I’m not sold on that strategy as a way to win an NBA title. You know, I used to think Larry Brown was a maniac for scheming his way out of here. Now I'm starting to think he was ahead of his time. That reminds me: my bladder hurts. I don't know if I can coach the team next year. ”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.