NFL Running Out Of White Assistants

NEW YORK--The past few months have seen a record number of white assistants promoted to head coaching jobs in the NFL. Now league officials say there is a shortage of them, and they fear that when the next round of head coaching jobs open up, some teams will be forced to hire minorities.

That chilling scenario could become a reality as soon as next year.

“The fact is that there is a shortage of white assistant coaches in the NFL,” said Atlanta GM Rich McKay, co-chairman of the NFL competition committee. “There have been so many hirings lately that we’ve depleted the ranks. This will almost certainly open the door to minority coaches in the near future. There’s no way to avoid it. The well has run dry.”

McKay suggested replenishing the ranks with some college coaches.

“It’s very simple. Start hiring them from college. There are plenty of them. Make them strength and conditioning coaches or consultants or whatever. Just get them in the league, and in a couple of years they’ll be interviewing for head coaching vacancies.”

The Oakland Raiders remain the only team without a head coach, and their options are now severely limited. They waited so long after firing Nov Turner that many of the top whites have already been snatched up. Now they’re facing a hard choice between a second-tier white assistant and a top-notch black one. It’s a decision no owner wants to make.

“It’s a tough situation now for the Raiders,” said one AFC general manager. “They interviewed Ken Whisenhunt the other day. That’s what we’ve come to. Who the hell is Ken Whisenhunt? Exactly. I don’t know either. Apparently he’s a better option than Tim Lewis, Jerry Gray, Ron Rivera, and Donnie Henderson. Oh, and Ron Meeks and Greg Blache, too. And Ted Cotrell. And Art Shell. I guess those guys just don’t have the proven track record of a guy like Ken What’s-his-face.”

Several teams this season have settled for unknown white coaches, including the Green Bay Packers, who gave the reins to San Francisco offensive coordinator Mike McCarthy. GM Ted Thompson insisted that he had the utmost confidence in McCarthy, despite his less than impressive resume.

“We hired Mike because of his keen offensive mind,” said Thompson. “We know his track record isn’t great, but we’re not going to judge him on that. Of course, if he was black, he would have to have a sterling track record. And he would have to blow our minds in the interview, too – not that I would be there. I would delegate that to one of my assistants and have him take notes for me. But we’re nothing if not totally committed to diversity.”

Chicago Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera was passed over for a head coaching job despite coaching the second best defense in the NFL. They were so good they drew comparisons to the great ’85 Bears. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to impress NFL owners.

“It’s very disappointing that I didn’t get hired,” said Rivera, who is Hispanic. “It was a good learning experience, though. Here’s what I learned: if you’re a minority, you’re probably not going to get hired unless you have a Super Bowl ring or two. It’s just not happening. NFL owners just don’t like minorities. And they’re overt about it, too. You’d think they could at least try to fake it, like NBA owners.”

Some owners plan to recycle old white coaches if they have an opening, rather than hire an up and coming young minority coach.

“There are plenty of old white coaches out there just sitting round waiting to be hired,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “What about Jerry Glanville? He hasn’t been hired yet. Granted he’s no Joe Gibbs, but it beats the hell out of hiring somebody like Tim Lewis. That guy is so unproven. Now, that tight ends coach for the Giants, he’s another story. How long has he been coaching? Eight months? I see. Interesting. Here’s my number. Tell him to give me a call if he’s interested in a head coaching job.”

Meanwhile, minority groups are complaining about the NFL hiring practices, and questioning how so many qualified black coaches could’ve been passed up.

“This is really disturbing,” said John Wooten, chairman of the Fritz-Pollard Alliance, a group of minority coaches. “All of those job openings and not one black guy gets hired? That’s not a coincidence. I guess the bright side is that they really are running out of white assistants. The next round of coaching hires has to feature some black guys. It’s called 'process of elimination,' and it’s pretty much our only hope at this point.”