SUMMIT, NJ--Michelle Wie went into the US Open trying to debunk the age-old notion that women are somehow inferior to men. However, after a string of three bogeys on the fourth, fifth, and sixth holes, Wie failed to qualify for the event, proving that women aren’t as good as men at anything that doesn’t involve babies and cooking.

“Well I tried and I failed,” Wie said. “I really wanted to make a statement here, to tell the men ‘anything you can do I can do better.’ Then I blew it with all those bogeys. I missed a couple putts, too. By the time I was finished I realized just how misguided and delusional I was being. Women are not equal to men. If we were, I would have qualified for that tournament. Now I regret even trying. At least before we had the illusion that we could be equal.”

At 16, Wie is already one of the greatest women’s golfers in the world, but she is not satisfied with that title. Ever since she picked up a golf club she has dreamed of playing with the men.

“I always wanted to be the best golfer in the world, not just the best female golfer,” Wie said. “I truly believed in my heart that if you practiced hard enough, you could beat anybody, regardless of sex. I wanted to be the first woman ever to qualify for the US Open, but instead I joined the ranks of billions of women who did not qualify for the US Open. That’s pretty much every woman who has ever existed. It’s not a very elite group.”

Though Wie is considered one of the most talented golfers of her generation, she has won surprisingly few tournaments. That’s because she has insisted on playing with adults instead of honing her skills on the junior tour, a strategy that has been questioned by many pro players.

“She’s an amazing talent, but she’s not doing herself any favors by playing with all these adults and men,” said Vijay Singh, considered by many to be one of the best golfers in the world. “Why can’t she just play in the junior events? What is the shame in that? What is the shame in playing with other women? Maybe someday she could even beat Annika Sorenstam, and we could all pretend like that was a big deal.”

Despite her humiliating collapse at the US Open, some women feel that Wie's appearance alone was enough to prove that women can compete with men.

“I thought it was wonderful to see her there competing with all those men,” said Rita Steinberg, editor of Golf for Women magazine. “And by ‘competing’ I mean ‘teeing off with them and playing on the same course with them.’ If she was competing in the traditional sense she might have actually made the cut. But that's okay. It’s not always about winning. Sometimes it’s just about showing up.”

Steinberg also denied that women were inferior to men but said she understood why Wie made those comments.

“Obviously women are not inferior to men in any way, but you have to understand why Michelle would say something like that," she said. "See, once you start viewing athletic prowess as synonymous with equality among the sexes, you're painting yourself in a corner. Like if Wie making the cut is to be considered a victory for equality, then her failing to make the cut, by that rational, is a failure for equality. So that's why she said what she said. Personally I could give a shit either way. I just want to see Vijay Singh's face the day he gets beaten by some chick.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.