Chiefs Still Consider Selves Winless After Beating Redskins

WASHINGTON, DC--The Kansas City Chiefs finally notched their first victory of the season on Sunday, but the teams isn't celebrating just yet. Though they are now 1-5, they still considering themselves winless since their “victory” came over the hapless Redskins.

“We’ve been waiting for our first victory for a while now, and we’re still waiting,” said quarterback Matt Cassell. “We can’t, in all fairness, consider yesterday’s game a victory. They Redskins are just so, so bad that it’s almost uncomfortable being on the field with them. I felt awkward. I kept waiting for them to do something positive on offense. Poor bastards. If a tie is like kissing your sister, this is like having sex with your sister's disabled friend.”

Coach Todd Haley said the Chiefs knew going into the game that it was a no-win situation.

“You go into a game against the Redskins and you literally can’t win,” said Haley. “I mean if you ‘lose’ you might as well just pack up the franchise and leave town. If you win, it’s empty and hollow. I almost felt bad for the bastards. That Jason Campbell has a world-class arm but…wow. Every pass he throws is sideways. They should try throwing down the field. Our secondary stinks.”

The two teams combined for 15 punts and converted only 6 of 31 third downs. The go-ahead field goal was made possible by a personal foul call on a punt return, followed by one third down conversion.

“We didn’t even realize we were winning,” said kicker Ryan Succop. “We were just slogging along, marking time until the end of the game, when all of a sudden someone pointed to the scoreboard and we had more points than they did. I don’t know how you can ‘win’ a game in which one of the worst quarterbacks in the league is pulled and replaced by a guy everybody thought was retired and calling the game for the NFL Network.”

In the locker room after the game, Haley told his team they did some good things but still had a lot of work to do before they could say they won their first game.

“First of all, nice job on the field goals,” Haley told his players. “The way you guys went out there and eked out a couple first downs so Ryan could knock a few through was commendable. However, this is the Washington Redskins we’re talking about. It probably would have been difficult not to win this game. Still, they did everything they could to hand us the game, and you didn’t get in the way of them doing that. So pat yourselves on the back!”

Haley then went on to award the game ball to the Redskins for “trying hard and practicing good sportsmanship.”