CHICAGO--Jeff Gordon won the Nextel Cup race at Chicagoland Speedway on Sunday after spinning rival Matt Kenseth out of the lead with four laps to go in regulation. Afterward, Kenseth, who finished 22nd, complained about Gordon bumping him out of the way, while Gordon complained about Kenseth clipping him during an earlier race.

The incident further cemented NASCAR’s reputation as the only sports league where both the winners and losers are petulant crybabies.

“I would’ve won that race if Jeff didn’t bump me,” said a visibly frustrated Kenseth. “Where I come from you don’t bump a man with four laps to go. That’s just not right. It’s dangerous, too. But if that’s the way he wants to play, that’s the way we’ll play. Next time we race I just might have to wreck him. If he dies, so be it. The important thing is we settle our disputes in the most childish, idiotic way possible.”

Kenseth said this wasn’t the first time that Gordon has bumped him during a race.

“That’s just the way that Jeff races,” he said. “He plays dirty. I can see bumping someone at the end of the race when everyone’s going for broke, but with four laps to go? That’s not fair. I’m sure it’s just revenge for when I bumped him a few weeks ago. God, did he make a fuss about that. Wah wah wah, I got hit by Kenseth. Wah wah wah, I’m a big crybaby and I have to get revenge. Cry me a river, Gordon. This is NASCAR, not the IRL. Toughen up.”

The incident Kenseth is referring to took place on March 26 at Bristol Motor Speedway. Kenseth clipped Gordon’s bumper during the race and then attempted to apologize, only to be shoved by the irate driver.

Gordon admitted after the race that he may have had a little revenge on his mind after the confrontation at Bristol.

“Of course it was in the back of my mind. If he’s going to drive like that, he has to expect the same,” said Gordon. “Did you see what he did to me in Bristol? He clipped me. That’s right – clipped. He could have killed me. He could have caused my car to blow up and me to be devoured by a ball of flame. That’s why I shoved him afterwards. That’s one reason, anyway. The other reason is part of the sacred code of NASCAR racing: No man shall lose a race without lashing out at the winner like a scorned school girl.”

Fans of NASCAR are divided over the incident. Many of them booed Gordon after he won the Chicagoland race and showered him with cups and debris. At the same time, many felt that Kenseth had it coming, and that Gordon’s actions were a classic example of gritty, old-school driving.

“That’s just the way Dale Earnhardt would have done it,” said 32-year-old Ron Milkes, a longtime fan and supporter of Gordon. “Nobody would have complained, either. Back then when someone lost a race they blamed nobody but themselves. Nowadays it’s different. When somebody loses, they immediately blame the winner for bumping them, nudging them, flipping them off, or whatever. Fuck it. If somebody bumps you, bump em back and then keep going until somebody dies. Otherwise you’re just being immature.”

“No way, Dale Earnhardt would never have done something like that,” countered NASCAR fan Jared Colby, 44. “The Big E bumped his share of people, sure, but not with so many laps to go in the race. When you do it at that point you’re just trying to hurt someone or wreck them. Dale Earnhardt would have frowned on what Jeff Gordon did today. He would have frowned on all of this, actually, because he was a race car driver and not a member of the goddamn debate club. Either way, I think we can all agree that there should be less whining and more crashing.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.