ESPN Urges Rest Of WNBA To Come Out Of Closet

BRISTOL, CT--When Sheryl Swoops came out of the closet in a recent issue of ESPN the Magazine, the public’s response was overwhelmingly warm and positive. Now, ESPN is urging the rest of the WNBA to follow suit, so that every player in the league can free themselves from the shackles of secrecy, and be profiled in ESPN the Magazine.

“It’s so great and heartwarming that Sheryl was able to come out of the closet in our magazine,” said ESPN the Magazine editor Kenny McAlister. “It’s such a beautiful story of courage and perseverance. Now I think the rest of the WNBA should follow Sheryl’s lead. We’ll even write a fluff piece about you in our magazine. We’ll make you into a national hero. Come on, ladies. We all know you’re a bunch of muff-divers. Let’s hear your stories.”

At the end of the year, ESPN hopes to publish a rundown of all the gay athletes in sports. Each one will be asked to discuss their lives as a homosexual in America, and explain how ESPN was the only national media source with the courage and tolerance to tell their story.

“ESPN is really leading the way with our forward-thinking coverage of homosexual athletes,” said McAlister. “We know that when someone comes out of the closet, they must be separated from their peers and treated like the freaks they are. I mean, they are such freaks and weirdoes and mutants that it must take an unimaginable amount of courage for them to admit that publicly. That’s why Sheryl Swoops is such a hero to me, as freaky as she is.”

Many WNBA players insist that they are not gay and have no plans to ever “come out of the closet.” The ones who are gay criticized ESPN for its over-the-top coverage of the Swoops story, saying it actually discouraged them from following in her footsteps.

“I’ve though about coming out of the closet, but after seeing that story, forget it,” said one player, who asked not to be identified. “I want to be treated like a normal person if I come out, not like some freak of nature. I’m sure the rest of the lesbians in the league would agree with me. Oh, and we’re not all lesbians, thank you very much. It’s just a stereotype. That’s like saying that all guys who listen to the Dave Matthews Band are gay. OK, bad example.”

One player, Phoenix’s Diana Taurasi, said she supports Swoops decision to come out, and would support any teammates who did the same thing. However, she said it’s up to the individual to decide, not the media.

“If people are gay and want to come out, I’m all for it,” said Taurasi. “We should treat them just like we treat anybody else. But I don’t think we should be pressuring anybody to do anything. People’s sexual orientation is their own business. ESPN likes to pose as an advocate for gay people, but they’re just trying to sell magazines. They don’t really care about gay people. If they did, they wouldn’t be so harsh in their coverage of Alex Rodriguez.”

It remains to be seen if Swoops’ recent admission inspires any of her peers to follow suit. One thing is for certain, though. If they do, ESPN the Magazine will be there to document their heart warming story of triumph over adversity.

“I really hope more WNBA players have the kind of courage that Sheryl had,” said McAlister. “If every man, women, and child in America were that courageous, believe me, the world would be a better place. That’s why I’m encouraging everybody in the WNBA to come out of the closet. You’re obviously all raging dykes and there’s no reason to hide it anymore--unless you’re a homophobe. You’re not a homophobe, are you?”