WNBA Players Give Up Trying To Be Sexy

NEW YORK--After months of trying to present themselves as attractive, sexually desirable entertainers, WNBA players are refocusing their energies on playing basketball, bringing their embarrassing marketing strategy to its long overdue conclusion. Henceforth, Americans will no longer be subjected to hip, sexually charged commercials featuring scantily clad WNBA stars awkwardly preening to the music of female rock bands.

“Whew. I’m glad that’s finally over,” said WNBA rookie sensation Diana Taurasi. “I understand the theory behind it—that we’re trying to appeal to a demographic outside of lesbians and our relatives—but it was just a bad idea. We’re not that sexy. Some of us are cute in a tomboy-ish kind of way. Some of us are even sort of pretty. But let’s face it, we’re not the cast of Melrose Place and we never will be. We’re just a bunch of jocks. Deal with it, America.”

Taurasi is being heralded as the savior of the WNBA. She’s personable, cute, and extremely talented. The league wants her to be its own version of Lebron James, but even Taurasi has her limits.

“I’m happy to promote the league any way I can,” she said. “I travel all over the country trying to attract fans to the game. But I’m not really interested in posing in a goddamn strapless evening gown with my boobs taped up and my face covered in makeup. That’s not who I am, which is kind of ironic, since the slogan in our new ad campaign is ‘This is who I am.’”

Alana Beard, Taurasi’s counterpart and the number two pick in the draft, expressed the same feelings as her friend regarding the WNBA’s failed marketing campaign.

“Look, I’m not really that sexy or glamorous, and it’s kind of weird and awkward when they try to force it on us,” said Beard. “That one ad where I had to wear that tight leather one-piece dress, I was so itchy and uncomfortable. It was horrible. I’m just not that sexy, and I really don’t think America is that concerned about it, anyway. I’m sure they’d much rather watch us execute a perfect pick and roll than dress in slutty little dresses.”

WNBA president Val Ackerman said the league chose to abandon the new ad campaign after viewing some of the finished spots on television.

“OK, I can admit when I’m wrong,” she said. “I’m wrong. These chicks don’t have a sexy bone in their bodies. Those ads with that hideous female rock band have so many shadows, strobe lights, and quick edits that you can hardly see any of the girls. I guess there was a reason for that, but it’s still kind of embarrassing. When the NBA advertises, they promote the talent of the athletes and the excitement of the game, not the sexiness of the players. I guess that shows you what kind of product we have here. Any league that has to resort to jamming Diana Taurasi into a rubber mini-skirt doesn’t have much else to offer.”

The league is currently seeking an alternative to the sexy ad campaign, but many are wondering how far the WNBA will have to go to attract more fans.

“The product just isn’t that great. I mean, sure the girls are good hoops players and they’ve got great fundamentals, but there’s no substitute for the amazing athleticism and skill of NBA players,” said Cheryl Miller, women’s basketball analyst. “They tried the sexy thing and that didn’t work, so now its back to the drawing board. The WNBA fan base needs to expand quickly in order to survive. It also needs to expand its appeal to different demographics. There just aren’t enough lesbians out there to support an entire league.”

WNBA officials held a brainstorming session in Orlando last week in an effort to come up with new promotional ideas. Several suggestions were made, and some have sparked interest in the league’s marketing department.

Linda Godfrey, director of marketing for the WNBA, said some of the better suggestions involved promoting something other than sex appeal and basketball prowess.

“Well, we don’t have much to work with here, but someone did make an interesting suggestion,” she said. “We could do an ad campaign highlighting the players’ great penmanship. Have you seen Sue Bird’s cursive? Wow, it’s elegant. And the way Lisa Leslie writes her ‘G’s’ in that big, loping circular style is simply exquisite. And Tamika Catchings writes like a 17th century British scholar. So that’s something to think about. It’s a decent angle. God, this is a depressing job.”

The penmanship idea is seen by many as having the best chance to succeed. However, it was one radical suggestion made by former NBA marketing consultant Lon Greene that garnered the most attention.

“This Greene guy had a great idea that I think could really work for us,” said Ackerman. “Male players! Isn’t that a great idea? I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. If we could get rid of all the female players and replace them with male players, we could achieve a higher level of excitement and athleticism, and wouldn’t have to resort to those awful ‘sexy’ ads to try and sell our product. I know a lot of people think it’s silly to have men in a women’s basketball league, but I don’t see them coming up with any better ideas. Promoting this shit isn’t easy, and I would like to echo the sentiments of Ms. Godfrey: This is a depressing job.”