NEW YORK--The Fox network announced today that it has signed a deal with Major League Baseball to fuck up the 2008, 2009, and 2010 World Series. The news was a blow to baseball fans everywhere, who endured Fox’s 2007 broadcast in the hopes that MLB would have pity on them in the future.

However, Commissioner Bud Selig explained that Fox was simply the highest bidder.

“Fox made the highest bid and therefore they will be broadcasting the World Series for the next three years,” said Selig. “We understand that some people are slightly put-off by the network’s coverage, but there’s nothing we can do about that. The fact is, all the major networks are morons. No matter who we signed the deal with, they probably would have fucked it up. So we might as well stick with Fox. Better the fuck-up you know than the fuck-up you don’t.”

Selig did make an effort to point out the positive aspects of Fox’s coverage.

“They have a camera angle that lets you see the pitcher and batter in the same shot,” said Selig. “And they um…have a little thing at the top of the screen telling you the score. Also, they have guys, like, explaining what’s happening and stuff. Oh, and they have interviews with the managers between innings so you can hear them spout cliches in a slightly different setting than normal.”

He also praised their creativity in implementing sponsorship into the broadcast.

“Fox is extremely creative in it’s integration of sponsors into the game,” said Selig. “They actually interviewed some guy from Taco Bell between innings of Game 2. Can you believe that? Like anybody cares what that dipshit has to say. And don’t even get me started on the show promos between innings. I saw so many Bones trailers, I don’t even have to watch the show now. Which is good, because I wasn’t planning to.”

Fox president Ed Goren said his network was “honored” to be handed the keys to the World Series for another three years, saying it was a testament to their excellence in broadcasting the series in the past.

“Obviously we’re doing something right or Major League Baseball wouldn’t want to continue working with us,” Goren said. “In the next three years, we plan to get even better. For instance, the radar gun reading on the top of the screen will no longer just explode, it will explode into a giant mushroom cloud that will the engulf entire screen for ten seconds. And we’re going to have a glowing green light around the pitcher so that casual fans will be able to keep track of him. Also, that pitch tracker? It will actually work, instead of making every pitch look like it’s four feet off the plate.”

Goren also promised more in-game interviews with managers and more ill-timed interruptions from Ken Rosenthal. On Sunday, Rosenthal broke into a tense Game 4 to inform viewers that Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez had opted out of his contract.

“Viewers shouldn’t feel that they’re cut off from the world while they’re watching the games,” said Goren. “So when something important happens off the field, we’ll break into the game to tell you about it. No moment is too suspense-filled that it can’t be interrupted for news about the contract status of someone who doesn’t play on either team.”

Goren also promised more crowd shots next year.

“The crowd shot is one of the staples of our broadcasts,” he said. “Who doesn’t enjoy seeing fans bundled up in their winter coats, noses running, hands clasped in prayer, over and over and over again? Nobody! It’s the best. It also saves people from having to stare at the batter and pitcher doing whatever boring crap they do between pitches. Casual fans don’t care about that. Casual fans don’t even want to watch the game. It's just unfortunate that we’re contractually obligated to show it when we’re broadcasting the World Series.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.