Yankee Fans Will Be Asked To Shower Before Entering New Stadium

NEW YORK --When the new Yankee Stadium opens in 2009, it will be home to 57 luxury box suites. Team officials will be looking to make a good impression on the corporate clients who rent them, so they plan to ask all Yankee fans to shower, shave and “make themselves presentable” before entering.

“I hope our fans don’t take this the wrong way, but we’re looking to woo some pretty important people with these new luxury boxes,” said team president Randy Levine. “Adidas, Visa, Bank of America, Cingular—these are some classy folks and they’re used to being around classy people. Not that Yankee fans aren’t classy. It’s just that, well, some of them are rather, um…unrefined. But again, they shouldn’t take this the wrong way. There’s nothing wrong with being disgusting.”

Levine said that the fans would be asked to do a few simple things to make themselves more appealing to rich people.

“For starters, take a shower,” said Levine. “Then shave, comb your hair, tuck your shirt in, and for God’s sake straighten that hat out. Jesus, would you walk into a job interview like that? I’m not going to sit here with the CEO of freaking Bank of America and have to explain to him why we have all these savages hanging around the ballpark. Pull yourselves together. Oh, and please cut down on the hot dogs and popcorn, too. I mean really, how fat can you possibly get?”

The new, higher priced luxury boxes will make the stadium much more lucrative then the current Yankee stadium, which only has 18 such suites. The new stadium will actually feature fewer seats for average fans, but more for corporate clients. Additional luxury boxes are crucial to the team remaining competitive, Levine claims.

“Without these high priced suites, it’s impossible for us to compete with other teams,” said Levine. “We can no longer survive in that ramshackle Yankee Stadium with our miniscule payroll. How are we going to get the big free agents and compete with teams like the Orioles and the Indians? This was a necessity for us. Our fans need to understand that we’re only doing this so we can overpay our players and make ourselves stinking rich.”

Levine and owner George Steinbrenner have attempted to convey to fans the importance of increasing revenue.

“New York Yankee fans are some of the greatest fans in the country,” Steinbrenner told reporters on Monday. “We had their best interests in mind when we decided to build this new stadium and fill it with luxury boxes. See, if we cozy up to corporate fat cats then they’ll cozy up to us. They’ll give us their money. And you know what money results in? Better players, a more beautiful stadium, and most importantly, vastly lower ticket prices…heh heh heh. Just kidding on that last one. Thank you. I’ll be here all week.”

In their defense, the team did promise that the new stadium would be affordable.

“This will not be some gilded palace that average fans can’t get into,” said Levine. “It will be affordable. There will be quality bleacher seats available for only $53. Obstructed view seats will be available for $43. A family of four can come to a game, purchase one game program, four hot dogs and four sodas for only $632. What? That’s not affordable? I guess maybe I’m a little out of touch with the common man. Oh well, they can share the same soda, then.”

Fan reaction to the announcement has been mixed. Some are excited to see a new stadium, while others are offended by the order to shower before entering it.

Who do they think they are asking us to shower before entering the stadium?” asked Rick Mendez, 32, of Brooklyn . “I’m perfectly clean every time I walk into that place and I resent the assumption that I’m ‘disgusting’ or ‘unrefined.’ I’m refined as hell. If they value these corporate big wigs over the common fan, maybe it’s time for me to stop watching the games. It’s too bad because I was actually in favor of the new stadium. I was looking forward to sitting on my couch, watching it on TV and wondering what it would be like to actually be able to afford a ticket.”