Yankee Stadium Crowd Now 90 Percent Celebrities

BRONX, NY-- The New York Yankees' postseason games have become gala celebrity events, with the rich and famous showing up in droves to root on the pinstripers. Many luminaries have been spotted at the stadium this October, including Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Nicole Kidman, Denzel Washington, Bruce Willis, and Chris Rock. In fact, according to ticket brokers, the Yankee stadium crowd is now 90 percent celebrities.

“The ratio of celebrities to non-celebrities has grown considerably during the post season,” said Randy Levine, Yankees President. “The only non-celebrities in the crowd at this point are the players’ families and those Puerto Rican kids from the Boys and Girls club. But we keep them in the back - wouldn’t want them to frighten Ms. Kidman.”

There are also some long time Yankee fans that have been forced to make some sacrifices in order to guarantee a high number of celebrities attend each game. In fact, some non-famous ticket holders were actually forced to forfeit their tickets. One Yankees fan details his experience:

“I went to pick up my ticket at will-call and they told me they gave it to someone named George Clooney,” said Luis Martinez of the Bronx. “I started making a big scene, screaming and yelling, and then these two huge dudes dressed all in black picked me up and dragged me away. They threw me in the dumpster across the street. I don’t know if they were security guards or what. I'm not even sure if they were human - I think they might've been cyborgs.”

The influx of superstars is no accident, though. The Yankees front office has been aggressively courting their upper class clientele, especially during the World Series. The effort to make Yankees games “the place to be” has been a huge success.

“We have been trying to attract a higher class of fan to our games,” says Levine. “And no celebrity can resist a shot at some face time, even if they’re not plugging anything in particular. So we make it a point to zoom in on any famous people who are present in order to send the message out that ‘Hey, if you come to Yankees stadium, you could get on TV.”

The result has been an onslaught of the rich and famous sporting their Yankees caps and jackets. Some are regulars, like Yankee-whores Billy Crystal and Denzel Washington, but others seem slightly out of place. Nicole Kidman, for example, is said to be unsure which team is the Yankees, keeping a mental note to cheer for the team wearing pinstripe uniforms.

Says one team source: “Ms. Kidman has been instructed to giggle wildly whenever the crowd cheers. Other than that, she just needs to sit there and look pretty.”

When interviewed between innings, Kidman had this to say:

“I really love incredibly popular sports teams. The more popular they are, the more I like them. By the way, which one is Latrell Sprewell?”

Although Yankees games have become glamorous events, the neighborhood surrounding the Stadium has grown more and more impoverished. The Bronx is an urban wasteland and one of the most dangerous places in the nation, which complicates efforts to class up the games.

“It’s kind of ironic when you think about it,” says Levine. “We’re getting richer and the Bronx is getting poorer. So we have to find ways to deal with all the disgusting people that litter the neighborhood. One thing we’ve done is paid the homeless guys to leave the premises. Many of them have agreed to the idea but a few, regrettably, had to be shot. We weren’t thrilled with the idea, but when Billy Crystal wants something, Billy Crystal gets it.”

To address the issue of providing enough tickets for the celebrities, the front office has had to cut a few corners and make some painful concessions.

“We used to give a bunch of tickets to the retarded kids from the Sunshine House, but we had to discontinue that,” said Brian Cashman, Yankees GM. “For one thing, we can’t have the retarded kids bothering our celebrities, especially when they start acting all weird and biting each other. Secondly, they sat in the nosebleed seats. Those seats are now reserved for our B-list celebrities.”

He went on to identify some of the folks in the B-seats as Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Anna Nicole Smith, and Rodney King.

Billy Crystal, one of the A-list celebrities, has been coming to Yankees games since he was a child growing up in Brooklyn. He produced and directed an HBO documentary called “61” chronicling Roger Maris’s record breaking 1961 season. A fixture at Yankee games, Crystal never misses an opportunity to talk about his favorite team.

“You know, I came to my first game when I was 12.” says Crystal, being interviewed between innings. “From the minute I came here for the first time, I just knew there was some magic in this old barn. I tell ya, this place has some ghosts. The Babe, Lou Gehrig, Mantle, Maris, it’s just awesome. The tradition here is second to none. So many great moments have occurred here, it’s a veritable temple of baseball. Let me tell you about the time I sneaked into the park was I was a teenager and ran into Mickey Mantle in the tunnel and he said to me…”

Crystal was cut off when the game resumed. He reportedly continued speaking long after the reporter walked away.

Another perennial Yankees fan, Denzel Washington, professed his love for the Yanks to reporter Gary Miller:

“Let me tell you something that may surprise you. I would gladly have sex with any of these gentlemen if I could. That’s right – Jeter, Williams, Posada, even Karim Garcia. Hell, I’d give oral to George Steinbrenner if he were kind enough to allow me. That's how much I love this team.”

Penny Marshall attended every game of the Red Sox-Yankees series. Though she is an avid fan, she had more pressing reasons for attending the games: she’s writing and directing an HBO original movie based on the Sox-Yanks historic series. It will document the glorious moment when America’s favorite team shattered the hearts of the Red Sox.

“That Game 7 was truly a great day for America,” says Marshall. “Every man, woman, and child was pulling for our Yanks, and they came through. That’s why I’m making a movie about it. I have Brad Pitt playing Joe Torre, and Tom Cruise playing Jeter. Wesley Snipes will be Alfonso Soriano. The Red Sox will all be played by anonymous, faceless extras. Nobody cares about those sick fucks anyway.”