Union Adopts Zero Tolerance Policy Toward Bud Selig

NEW YORK--In response to increasing pressure from the Major League Baseball front office, the player’s union has adopted a zero tolerance policy toward Bud Selig. Donald Fehr, union chief, referred to Selig as a "pain in the ass" and indicated that he would no longer be taking his phone calls or responding to his emails.

"Bud Selig is really starting to irritate us, therefore we’re cutting off all communication with him," said Fehr, at a press conference Friday. "We’ve been very patient with Bud up until this point, but our patience is wearing thin. From here on in, our policy towards Bud Selig will be one of zero tolerance. It’s in the best interest of the league, the players, and my sanity."

The move was announced as rumors were swirling about Selig possibly invoking a "best interest clause" to force the player’s union to accept drug testing. The obscure clause allows the Commissioner to overrule the collective bargaining agreement if he believes it’s in the game’s best interest. But he’s encountering stiff resistance from Fehr, Orza, and the rest of the union.

"The CBM [collective bargaining agreement] exists for a reason," said Fehr. "We agreed to some limited drug testing, we signed the papers, and that’s that. Bud had his chance to sit down and talk to us and come up with a reasonable solution to this problem. But that chance is gone now. From here on in, we will be utilizing caller ID, email filters, and every other tool known to man to avoid talking to Bud Selig. Clearly, the union needs a zero tolerance policy to rid the league of the cancer of Bud Selig."

To further clamp down on Selig’s pestering, the union has instituted a gag order on the Commissioner. From this point on, Selig is not allowed to communicate with any member of the union, nor is he allowed to speak publicly about the steroid issue.

When reached for comment, Selig had this to say: "I certainly think this gag order and zero tolerance policy are counterproductive. Everyone in baseball, from the players to the owners to the front office, needs to unify and work together to rid baseball of this scourge. If Mr. Fehr is upset with the way I’m approaching this problem, I’d be more than happy to sit down with him and exchange ideas. I think we all have a stake in this thing, and if baseball is ever going to be America’s pastime again, the powers-that-be need to put aside their personal differences and get to the negotiating table."

Fehr issued a brief response through his spokesman, Gene Orza: "Shut up."

But Selig has thusfar ignored the gag order and continued speaking in public. He even made an appearance on Pardon the Interruption to further plead his case.

"Listen, I can understand the union’s frustration," Selig began. "This is a very difficult time for baseball, and we’re all a little emotional. But that’s no reason for divisive comments and actions. This problem isn’t going to go away on its own. Do you know there are little children everywhere who are wondering if their favorite baseball players are on steroids? The credibility and integrity of the game are on the line here. We must accept this challenge and confront it now before its too late. I’m sure Donald agrees with that."

Fehr again issued a curt rebuttal to Selig’s statement: "Shut up, shut up, shut up."

It is not known if the two sides will ever get back to the negotiating table. With the hard-line tactics adopted by the union, chances of reconciliation are fading fast.

"Bud likes to talk about how steroids have tainted our sacred game," said Fehr. "He loves to talk about how everything is tarnished and blah blah blah. But we should point out that our national pastime has been tarnished and tainted a million times over the years, largely because of the imprint of Bud Selig. This is the man who introduced interleague play, wild card teams, realignment, and contraction. He presided over the All-star game fiasco, too. Oh, and he got into office by strong-arming Fay Vincent, a good man, out of his job. The list goes on. Let’s just admit that neither side gives a rat’s ass about baseball’s integrity."