CHAMPAIGN, IL--One day after a guiding his team to a near-upset over the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes, Illinois head coach Ron Zook made a bold proclamation: the Fighting Illini will be in the Champs Sports Bowl by the year 2010. That’s the goal he is setting for his program, and the second year coach has even intention of reaching it.

“With the improvements we’ve made and the kids we have coming in here, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say we can be in the Champs Sports Bowl by 2010,” said Zook. “We’ve had a lot of close losses this year and we’ve gone toe-to-toe with some pretty tough teams. That tells me that we’re only a few years from the promised land. I can’t wait till we get there. I’ll finally be vindicated. And don’t think I’m going to jump ship and take one of the many NFL jobs that will be available to me. That’s not what I’m about. I’ll be perfectly happy settling for my 10-year, $80 million contract extension.”

The Champs Sports Bowl currently pits the third team in the ACC against the fourth or fifth from the Big Ten. At 1-5, the Fighting Illini are currently last in the Big Ten conference, but they’ve had back to back good showings against conference powerhouses Wisconsin and Ohio State.

Since taking over for Ron Turner in 2005, Zook has transformed the Illini football program from a complete disaster to a semi-disaster with a modicum of hope for the future.

“The turnaround here has been remarkable,” Zook said. “When I first came here, this program was down in the dumps. We were a laughingstock. Now look at us. We’re sitting here talking about the Champs Sports Bowl. The Champs Sports Bowl: the excitement, the pageantry, the tradition, a vague corporate entity that may or may not be a sporting goods store – it will be a thrill to be a part of that. Anyway, we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. We still have a long road to climb before we can say we’re the fourth or fifth best team in our conference.”

In order to motivate his team, Zook hung a picture of the Champs Sports Bowl trophy on the wall of the team’s locker room.

“This,” he told his team as he pointed to the trophy, “is our goal. This is what we strive for. This is why we come to practice every day. All of you young players – you’re going to be here when this program comes full circle and travels to Tampa, or possibly Orlando, to represent the University of Illinois in the Champs Sports Bowl. Are you with me? I can’t here you! I said ARE YOU WITH ME? Good! Now let’s go out there today and have a great practice. Afterward we can get ice cream if you’re good. Then we can sit down and watch yesterday’s game again, the signature almost-victory of my coaching tenure.”

The 17-10 loss to Ohio State on Saturday was a prime example of just how far the program has come in the past couple years. Prior to that game, the Buckeyes had won each of their nine games by at least 17 points.

“We really put a scare into those guys,” said quarterback Juice Williams. “Nobody even expected us to compete in that game. This is not the Illini football program of last year or two years ago. We have a little more swagger now and we’re not afraid to come out and hit people in the mouth. I just wish there was some bowl game we could play in this year. How about the Meineke Car Care Bowl? We could just show up and play. Seriously, I think that one is first come first serve.”

Illinois currently stands at 2-8 and is looking to win their last two games and finish at 4-8, which would be a two game improvement over last season.

“Right now we just have to focus on finishing the season as strong as possible,” said receiver Kyle Hudson. “It’s all well and good to daydream about some big-time bowl game, but we shouldn’t get too carried away just because we’ve been playing better lately. It's possible that we won’t even be in the Champs Sports Bowl in 2010. That’s the bad news. The good news: By 2011 or so they should have a bowl game for every team.”



Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.