WASHINGTON--In his press conference on Friday, new Redskins coach Jim Zorn promised to lean heavily on his assistant coaches. He held true to that today by delegating every single coaching task to his assistants, including the delegating duties.

Zorn said that a great coach knows how to delegate authority.

“Delegating is a big part of being a coach,” Zorn told reporters. “That’s why I had to call my coaches together today and delegate all the duties to them. Well, I didn’t delegate, [defensive coach] Greg Blache did. I really can’t be bothered with that kind of stuff. I have a team to run.”

Zorn’s job will to be oversee the entire operation. The rookie head coach said he plans to meet with his coaches each week to discuss the team and view film of the games.

“Every week I will be meeting with them, face to face, and asking them how the team is doing,” said Zorn. “Then I’ll ask them how this week’s game plan is coming along. Then we’ll watch some game film so we can pinpoint which players aren’t performing. Above all, the most important thing is listening, which is why I’ve assigned that task to my most trusted assistant, Joe Bugle.”

Not surprisingly, the coaching staff was frustrated with Zorn’s decision. Many even questioned whether he had the leadership ability to be a head coach in the NFL.

“It’s tough to have a head coach who doesn’t really do anything,” said Blache. “I mean, you expect him to run the team, to make all the big decisions, to help with the game plan, all that. But Jim doesn’t want to do anything. He just wants to delegate. And the worst thing is, we’re not a very good coaching staff. He might actually be better off doing everything himself.”

Blache has been saddled with the unenviable task of delegating responsibility to the other coaches, a role he says hasn’t made him any friends.

“Lets just say I’m not the most popular guy in the organization right now,” said Blache. “I’ve had to heap a lot of work on these guys in the past couple days, and I think everyone’s a little stunned. I swear, I don’t know how actual head coaches do it. In a way, it makes me respect Jim a little more. He has this down to a science.”

Former coach Joe Gibbs, himself a master delegator, said that most head coaches delegate pretty much everything to their assistants.

“It’s actually more common than you think,” he said. “People think head coaches are these all-knowing geniuses, but in fact most of us are just very good managers who know how to distribute the work among our assistants. For instance, the great George Halas never even showed up to a practice. And Tom Landy didn’t even know what a 4-3 defense was. Me? I know everything about football, including the fact that only an asshole will do his own work when he has other people there to do it for him.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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