Bill Belichick Forced To Cut Daughter From Cash-Strapped Family

FOXBORO, MA--Bill Belichick has made some difficult decisions during his storied career. Never one to let personal relationships get in the way of the bottom line, the Patriots coach has cut some big names to ensure the stability of the team. Just last year, fan favorite Lawyer Milloy was axed four days before the start of the season, leaving the football world in a state of shock. This year, he’s taken a hard-line stance with Ty Law and released Antoine Smith, the tailback that brought him two Superbowls.

Those choices were certainly painful, but they were nothing compared to the decision Belichick made this weekend, when he decided to cut his 10-year-old daughter from the family for financial reasons.

“This is one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make,” said a cold, steely eyed Belichick at a press conference afterwards. “Jessica was a great kid and I wish her all the luck in the world. If I had my way I’d keep all my kids forever, but this is a bottom line world. The family is in debt right now and if we want to remain financially viable in the future, we have to make some hard choices. Therefore, Jessica is being granted her unconditional release from the Belichick family, effective immediately.”

Jessica was sent packing Sunday evening and was last seen hitchhiking down I-95 South in Rhode Island.

“Jessica should understand that this isn’t a personal thing at all,” continued Belichick. “On the contrary, my wife and I love her very much and have always considered her a productive member of the family. But this family isn’t about just one person. We have a son to think about, too, as well as my wife, a German shepherd puppy, a cockatiel, and me. By eliminating Jessica, we save thousands a year.”

According to family financial records, 10-year-old Jessica was costing close to $20,000 annually to feed, clothe, educate, and entertain. On the contrary, 6-year-old Justin costs only half that amount.

“I can’t let my personal feelings get in the way of my decision making,” said Belichick. “That’s just not a good way to do business, and it’s not a good way to operate a family. To be honest, Jessica was starting to get a little selfish. She had to have her own phone line, her own Internet account—it was getting a little ridiculous. We can’t have everyone on a different page. Cutting her will definitely streamline things a bit .”

When Belichick sat down to do his 2003 taxes, he knew that changes would have to be made in order to save the family from financial ruin. Rumors swirled about Jessica’s impending release, but it was still a shock when it actually happened.

“She was real surprised,” said an emotional Helen Belichick, Jessica’s mom. “In all honesty, I think she overestimated her value to this family. Sure, she’s a great daughter, but she’s not bigger than the family unit. We have another child, and there are plenty of kids at the orphanage who could do all the things she did, but cheaper and with a lot less attitude. Still, it is terribly sad to see your own daughter kicked out of the family forever.”

As expected, young Justin was shocked and furious upon learning of his sister’s release. The two had grown close over the years, and the move hit him the hardest.

“I miss Jess. I can’t believe daddy cut her,” sobbed Justin. “What are we gonna do without her? Sisters don’t just grow on trees, you know. I hate being in this family. First Lawyer Milloy, then Antoine Smith, now my sister. I wonder when my time will come.”

Belichick insists that Justin is safe for now. In fact, the youngster will benefit greatly from the release of his sister, as the family now has more money to spend on him.

“I’m sure he’ll be thrilled next Christmas,” said Belichick. “When he looks under the tree and sees that new GameCube, he’ll forget about Jessica pretty quick.”

Despite his family’s disappointment, Belichick drew high praise from around the NFL for his efficient handling of the Jessica release.

Peter King of Sports Illustrated marveled at the Coach’s courage and intelligence in making the tough decision for the sake of his family.

“You can criticize Belichick all you want, but you can’t argue with results. He’s got two Superbowl rings and a great family. That’s because he’s not a sentimental guy. He thinks in terms of the bottom line, and that’s how you must be in this business. I see all these other dads spending and spending and spending on their kids. They can’t bring themselves to release the little bastards, and end up financially crippled for life. I wonder when people are going to learn. In football, as in family life, the well being of the unit comes before the well being of the individual. Maybe little Jessica should’ve thought of that before she started running up that cell phone bill.”

Now that the Belichick family has freed itself from the burden of their daughter Jessica, it’s time to start looking ahead to the future. With the family in excellent financial shape heading into the new fiscal year, Belichick plans to start shopping around for another daughter in order to round out the family unit once again. Whoever the new sibling will be, she’ll come cheap, or she won’t last very long.

“It’s certainly feasible for us now to begin looking for another child to add to our family,” Belichick said. “But we don’t just go for the big names or the most glamorous young girls. We’ll probably look for something practical, like one of those Guatemalan orphans--you know, like you see on those Sally Struthers commercials. We could send away for one. They’re dirt-cheap, you can dress them in rags, and they’re used to eating only once or twice a week. But whoever it is, they’ll really have to embrace the team concept. That what this family is all about. Believe me, I didn’t win two Superbowl rings by being sentimental and compassionate. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shoot the dog.”