Carson Palmer To Kneel During National Anthem Just To Rest Legs

GLENDALE, AZ--Arizona quarterback Carson Palmer, who has had his knee surgically repaired twice and who is 37 years-old, announced plans on Friday to kneel this season during the national anthem in order to rest his legs. The oft-injured quarterback admitted he cannot stand still for that long without one or both of his legs becoming sore.

“I will be kneeling this season during the national anthem,” Palmer announced today at a press conference. “I am doing this because I simply cannot stand still for more than 30 seconds or so without both legs tightening up and becoming sore. I hope everybody respects my decision and understands the reasons I am doing this. I am not anti-America. Far from it. I am just pro-knee, particularly my own.”

According to Palmer, though only his left knee has been injured, his right knee and leg are also vulnerable because he puts more weight on them to compensate for his original injury, resulting in excruciating soreness whenever he stands still for too long.

“It’s okay when I’m sitting, kneeling, or out there running around, but standing still is the worst,” he said. “So instead of jogging in place or riding a stationary bike during the national anthem, I will join several of my fellow NFL players in kneeling down, not out of solidarity with them, but because I’m old and can’t stand there. Please don’t cut me.”

Many other NFL players have chosen to kneel during the national anthem to protest racial inequality, police brutality, and other social issues. Those players are happy to see that Palmer, a white man, is joining in their fight.

“We’ve been saying all along that we need more white players to join us,” said Seahawks defender Michael Bennett. “After all, it’s not just blacks who are against racism and inequality. Most white people are, too. So it’s great that someone like Carson – a very famous quarterback – has decided to join us in a show of solidarity. What’s that? He’s doing it for rest? Oh…well that takes the shine off of it. But he is against racism, right? Whatever. We’ll take it.”

Palmer’s position has put him at odds with the rest of his Cardinals teammates, who have thus far chosen to stand during the national anthem. However, most of them have come out in support of his decision, regardless of whether they agree with it.

“It’s Carson’s business if he wants to kneel or stand during the national anthem,” said guard Mike Iupati. “For me, though, it is a little disrespectful because the people who fought and died for this country probably had bad legs, too, and that didn’t stop them from giving their lives for our freedoms. Look at me, I weigh 900 frigging pounds. You think it’s easy for me to stand there? You know who I do it for? The troops. Also when I get down on one knee my gut hangs really low and I look like an elephant.”

For his part, Palmer has expressed support for his fellow players who choose to kneel during the anthem to protest injustice.

“Hey, man, I totally respect guys who do that,” Palmer said. “I don’t understand why people have a problem with it. It’s just a song. And the kids who are doing the protesting are just trying to make their voices heard. They don’t hate America. Maybe they don’t love it either. That’s their right. Let’s all just chill out and enjoy the one thing that binds all Americans: getting blind-drunk and watching men on steroids smash into each other.”