Visibly Drunk Division Champs Unaware Champagne Non-alcoholic

TORONTO-The Toronto Blue Jays clinched the AL East on Wednesday and threw an epic party in the clubhouse afterwards. Victory cigars were smoked, t-shirts and hats were donned, and the champagne flowed in all directions. Before long, everyone in the clubhouse was visibly drunk. The problem? The beverage they were consuming was Chateau De Fleur Non-Alcoholic champagne.

Nobody had the heart to tell them until a reporter from CBC News pointed it out to Josh Donaldson, who was riding on his teammate's shoulders at the time.

“WOOOOHOOOOO! WE ARE THE DIVISON CHAMPS!” Donaldson screamed from atop Jose Bautista’s shoulders. “YEA! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, BITCHES! YOUR GONNA DIEEEEEEEE!!!”

Donaldson was handed a fresh bottle and took a hearty swig, spilling most of it on his shirt. It was then that a reporter clued him in to the fact that the champagne was non-alcoholic.

“What? What do you mean, nonalcoholic?” Donaldson asked, incredulously. “Let me see here. Look: It says Chateau De Fleaur….non-alcoholic champagne. Huh. Surely there must be a little alcohol in here...nope. None. Not a drop. Ahem. Well. Can you put me down, Jose? I mean I’m not drunk anyway. I’m just blowing off steam.”

Nearby, Donaldson’s teammate, Troy Tulowitzky, was paying tribute to his teammates.

“These guys, these guys,” he slurred. “These guys just never gave up all year. All the adversity we faced, we just faced as a team you know? I’m not afraid to say it: I love 'em. I love 'em all. Like brothers!”

He raised another bottle of champagne and took a drink when Donaldson approached and whispered to him the bad news.

“Heh, that’s a good one. Non alcoholic.” Tulowitzky replied. “You’re kidding right? Oh. Oh…yes, I can see that, right there on the bottle: non alcoholic. Well what do you know. I kinda knew to be honest. It didn’t taste quite right. I am a little buzzed, but it was probably those two Bud Light Lime’s I drank. The alcohol content on those is quite high.”

Ben Revere, who was pouring a bottle of champagne over the head of ESPN reporter Kelly Naqi while singing “We are the Champions” stopped suddenly and apologized to Naqi.

“I…I’m sorry, Kelly. That was kind of inconsiderate,” he said. “I'ts just that I’m really…or I thought I was really…um…drunk, but I guess I’m not? This is weird. I think they call this the placebo effect. Whatever. If it works, it works. Hand me some more of that shit.”

Blues Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos explained later that the team decided to go with non-alcoholic champagne because it was less expensive.

“Yea, we did that because the non-alcoholic stuff is cheaper,” he said. “Plus its usually just used for dumping on people and not actually drinking. Anyway, the important thing is everyone had a good time- although it was a little embarrassing when Brett Cecil had to get his stomach pumped.”

Anthopoulos assured that if the Blue Jays were to advance to the next round of the playoffs, the non-alcoholic beverages would be clearly labeled so everyone would know not to act drunk.