Doug Christie Suddenly Realizes Wife Isn’t All That Hot

SACRAMENTO, CA - Doug Christie, forward for the Sacramento Kings, has just realized that his wife, Jackie, isn’t all that hot. The star player has been joined at the hip with his spouse since they were married in 1994, and has subjected himself to countless indignities to keep her happy. But after years of letting Jackie rule him with an iron fist, Doug is having second thoughts. It may turn out, after all, that his wife isn’t worth the trouble.

“You know, I’ve never really looked at my wife with an impartial eye,” Christie said to reporters after Monday’s practice. “I kind of looked at her with a mixture of worship and puppy love. But after staring at her all these years and comparing her to the other players’ wives, I suddenly realized she really wasn’t anything special. Certainly not special enough to put up with the kind of physical and mental torture she’s been heaping on me for years.”

The defining moment for Christie occurred at the All-Star game in Los Angeles last weekend. After getting into a vicious argument with his wife over his perceived flirtation with his sister Sarah, Doug went to the festivities on his own. Still smarting from the verbal abuse he received during the argument, Christie started to see things “more clearly.”

“Boy, was I mad at her. To accuse me of flirting with my own sister – that’s crossing a line. That would be incest. I started thinking to myself ‘What kind of psychopath did I marry?’ Then I got an eyeful of some of the other guys’ wives and holy fuck, these girls were hot. Dirk Nowitski was with some blonde, blue-eyed nordic goddess. C-Webb was with that chocolate beauty, Tyra Banks. Even that dork Scott Pollard had a pretty hot wife. I guess I never noticed because I never allowed myself to gaze at other girls. Well, that’s all changing now.”

“It also make me rethink my attraction to my wife,” he continued. “I took out a picture of her and stared at it for a moment, then compared it to some of the other wives and girlfriends. My wife’s pretty and all, don’t get me wrong. But for the amount of shit I put up with, she should be Miss Frigging America. She’s not. She’s average.”

Christie also pointed out that he's not a shallow man who is totally consumed with physical beauty. But his wife is so lacking in pleasant personality traits that she would need to be “unbelievably fine” to justify the marriage.

“Hey, if she was average looking and a super sweetheart, it would be all good,” said Christie. “I mean hell, I’m not the most beautiful human being on the planet. Just look at these God-awful tattoos. Aren’t they the worst things you’ve ever seen? Nevertheless, if a girl isn’t beautiful and she has a terrible personality, she brings nothing to the table.”

Roger Bingham, acclaimed marriage counselor and author of the book To Have and to Hold: The Psychology of Marriage, explained that some people live with their spouse for years and never actually “know them.”

“Many married couples stay content for years before realizing that they just aren’t meant for each other. There are a variety of reasons for this phenomenon. Sometimes people get married young, then grow apart. Sometimes couples never bother to analyze their relationships until its too late, and sometimes one spouse realizes that staying with his mediocre wife is not worth a lifetime of systematic torture and humiliation”

Christie’s teammates have applauded his new outlook. For years, they have watched their friend endure his lousy marriage with a mixture of confusion and pity. Nobody could ever quite understand why he put up with it, since his wife is considered to be an average looking woman.

“I never really did understand the fixation he had with her,” said teammate Vlade Divac. “Everywhere he went, she was with him. Every conversation we had would somehow come back to her. It was like he was under hypnosis or something. I always said if I’m going to be horribly obsessed with a woman and subjugate myself to her, she better be a goddess. But Jackie, she’s just a regular girl - with all the charm and personality of a Muslim extremist.”

Teammate Mike Bibby hopes Christie’s change of heart will lead him to divorce his wife and start enjoying life a little.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of groupies that want to do Doug,” said Bibby. “Everytime we hit the road, there’s a crowd of hot young girls waiting for an autograph. Of course, he passes by them because his freak wife is always there. If he divorces her, he’s gonna have the time of his life. I have a feeling that once he gets a taste of the single life, he’ll be challenging Wilt Chamberlain’s sex record.”

Despite Bibby’s hopes, Doug Christie is still undecided about how he wants to address the crisis with his spouse. Though divorce seems the most logical scenario, he dreads taking the plunge and admitting that his marriage was a mistake.

“Its tough to swallow, that’s for sure. It’ll be hard to admit to everyone that I was wrong and they were right. Plus, you know, you live with someone for so many years and you get attached. Even though she’s a shrill, evil, frigid bitch goddess, she’s still my wife. Plus, she’s insane. I can’t imagine what she would do if I ever brought up the subject of divorce. She’d make that chick from Fatal Attraction look like Mary Fucking Poppins.”