Matt Leinart Commits Sex Assault To Avoid Being Number One Pick

LOS ANGELES, CA--USC quarterback Matt Leinart was arrested yesterday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her outside a Los Angeles nightspot. According to the woman’s statement, the two were talking in the parking lot of the club Avalon when Leinart became very aggressive and forced himself on her. Leinart confirmed the woman’s statement and apologized for his actions, saying he was just trying to lower his draft value so the San Francisco 49ers or Miami Dolphins would not pick him.

“I did sexually assault the girl. That’s the God’s honest truth,” Leinart reportedly told police. “I planned the whole thing. I’m awfully sorry about it, but I still think I made the right decision. Have you seen the 49ers lately? I would’ve committed murder to stay off that team.”

Police told reporters that Leinart acted on the advice of NFL agent Carl Poston, who told him to “do something drastic” to scare teams away from selecting him with the number one pick. Since Leinart was not about to do something on the field that could hurt his team, he decided to commit the sex assault instead. The plan seems to have worked perfectly, as both the 49ers and Dolphins indicated they would pass on Leinart.

“If these allegations are true, which it appears that they are, we would have to pass on Matt Leinart,” said 49ers GM Terry Donahue. “Though he is a great quarterback, we have high standards on this team when it comes to the character of our players. Anyone who commits rape does not belong in a 49ers uniform, unless, of course, the bitch was asking for it.”

Rick Spielman, GM of the Dolphins, agreed with Donahue that a person of Leinart’s character would be too much of a risk.

“Obviously we’ve all learned a great deal about the character of this individual,” said Spielman. “This isn’t the type of player that we feel would represent our franchise in a positive way. Treating sexual assault as a career move is a despicable thing to do. Though I must say it was a little clever. I mean, we’re not going to draft the guy, so I guess it worked. I wish I thought of that. The only thing I did to try and get myself fired was trade for AJ Feeley, and we see how that worked out. I'm still here. ”

Leinart is facing sexual assault charges and possible jail time. Since there was no actual intercourse, the maximum sentence is two years. However, Leinart’s lawyer believes his client will face the minimum amount of jail time and be out in time for the 2005 draft.

“It’s very simple. Though he assaulted her and caused her injury, no actual intercourse took place,” said attorney Bill Rubenstein. “We’re talking 30 days in jail, a hefty fine, and some anger management courses. You know, just enough to stain his reputation but not enough to do any real damage to his career. I know this all seems like a lot to go through, but the stakes are very high for Matt. Going to San Francisco is worse than going to prison, although there’s probably an equal amount of sodomy in both places.”

Sgt. Lance McCullers of the LAPD said that Leinart actually apologized to the victim during the assault and said that it was “nothing personal.”

“He was actually very nice about the whole thing,” said McCullers. “She was surprised by how polite he was even while he fought with her. He told her that it would be over in a minute, and that he was really sorry, he was just doing this to help his football career. Then he reassured her by saying that there didn’t need to be any actual penetration and that a simple aggravated assault should do the trick. Then he apologized again. Clearly his parents raised him with some pretty good manners.”

After a prolonged struggle in which the victim’s clothes were torn and she received several cuts and bruises, Leinart relented. He then handed her a cell phone and told her to notify police that she had just been sexually assaulted by USC’s Matt Leinart.

“When the girl called I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said McCullers. “Matt Leinart, the golden boy who was supposed to be a model citizen? It didn’t seem possible. But then she put him on the phone. He said ‘It’s true. I did it. I’m a remorseless criminal. Come pick me up.’ So I picked him up, brought him to the station and booked him. Then I put my feet up on the desk, smoked a cigar, and congratulated myself on some damn good police work.”

Though the 49ers and Dolphins will not be drafting Leinart, other teams have expressed interest in the star QB. Several GM’s from around the league said they’d be willing to take a chance on him in the later rounds.

“Look, good quarterbacks are hard to come by,” said one GM, who asked not to be identified. “I know we wouldn’t grab this guy with a number one pick but I could see him coming down to the second and third round and us picking him up. It’s not even that much of a risk. He’s obviously a very clever person to come up with an idea like that. He’s just the kind of player that Bill Belichick will love to have on his team. Heady, forward-thinking, smart—like another Tom Brady, who, incidentally, poisoned some schoolchildren to avoid being picked early in the 2000 draft.”