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| September 5, 2017 |
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| The NFL season is almost here, which means it's time for the Brushback's preseason NFL power rankings. We've taken the liberty of projecting each team's win-loss record using our new in-house proprietary algorithm* which has already correctly predicted each team's pre-season records with 100 percent accuracy. So feel free to wager your life savings accordingly. *all projections based on 10,000 simulated games |
1. Oakland Raiders |
The Raiders had a heartbreaking end to their season last year when Derek Carr had a leg injury that messed up their Super Bowl hopes. This year he probably won't break his leg again so expect them to win the Super Bowl. Projected Record: 16-0 |
2. Chicago Bears |
This team wasn’t nearly as bad last year as they looked on paper. Oh…I thought we were talking about the Browns. The Bears were as bad. Projected Record: 16-0 |
3. Philadelphia Eagles |
The Eagles are my sleeper team to win the Super Bowl this year. They've been my sleeper team the past five years, so they're due. Projected Record: 17-0 |
4. Kansas City Chiefs |
When the Chiefs use five or more DBs, Steve Nelson has a .89 coverage rate in the slot on pass plays, 11th best out of 52 DBs with more than 130 snaps. And I projected him to be 12th best. What a Cinderella story! Projected Record: 10-6 |
5. Denver Broncos |
Trevor Siemien’s Actual Completion Percentage was among the lowest in the league last year. His Hypothetical Completion Percentage (HCP)* was pretty good, though. *hypothetical completion percentage is his completion percentage if he were a better quarterback. Projected Record: 10-6 |
6. New York Jets |
Ryan Fitzpatrick, Darrelle Revis, Brandon Marshall, Nick Mangold, Ryan Clady, Calvin Pryor, David Harris and Eric Decker. These are just some of the players the Jets removed from the team in the offseason. Are they tanking? Oh my God, yes. They’re tanking so bad they just acquired the Nets 2019 first rounder. Projected Record: 0-15-1 |
7.San Francisco 49ers |
Safety Antoine Bathea was released in the offseason, which leaves the Niners even weaker at the position than they were last year, when the best they could do was Antoine Bathea. Projected Record: 10-6 |
8. New York Giants
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My projections give the Giants a 99.8 percent change of winning the Super Bowl this year. It also has them winning 78 games, so take that with a grain of salt. Projected Record: 78-8 |
9. Miami Dolphins |
The Dolphins are garbage but they shouldn’t let that discourage them. You have to be really bad before you can be really good in this league, so they’re already halfway there. Projected Record: 10-6 |
10. Jacksonville Jaguars |
Fantasy tip: draft Blake Bortles. You can get him cheap and he will score with his arms and legs. Sincerely, you’re fantasy football opponent. Projected Record: 16-0 |
11. Arizona Cardinals |
Bruce Arians is going to have this team firing on all cylinders this year. Last year he only had them firing on a couple cylinders, and they weren't even the right ones. Projected Record: 10-6 |
12. Seattle Seahawks |
Rumor has it many of Russell Wilson’s teammates don’t really like him. Understandable, but there is a right way to handle this and a wrong way. The wrong way is to trash him in the media. The right way is to take a shit in his locker. Projected Record: 10-6 |
| 13. Indianapolis Colts |
The Colts had a lousy offseason, but that is not necessarily a precursor to a bad regular season. It will be in this case, though. Projected Record: 10-6 |
14. Cincinnati Bengals |
Offensive line play was a problem last year for the Bengals. Thankfully they have a quarterback who can make plays with his feet, namely, the play in which he runs out of bounds for a loss of one. Projected Record: 10-6 |
15. New England Patriots |
The Patriots are coming into this season with something to prove: that they cannot possibly go undefeated and that last year’s come from behind Super Bowl victory created unrealistic expectations for this year. Projected Record: 10-6 |
16. Carolina Panthers |
As I watched the Panthers struggle last year, I found myself thinking, “What they really need to do is sign Matt Kalil.” And then boom - they go out and do it. They must have read my mind. Unfortunately my mind was kidding. Projected Record: 0-17 |
17. Minnesota Vikings |
The strength of this team is its front office. They really know how to build a team. Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were talking about the Jets, and I was trying to say something sarcastic about them. Projected Record: 10-6 |
18. Baltimore Ravens |
If nothing else, the Ravens should lead the league in knocked down passes followed by over-the-top grandstanding and gratuitous profanity. That and losses. Projected Record: 0-16 |
19. Dallas Cowboys |
I expect Jason Witten to finally show his age this season. It’s okay, Jason, the world needs color commentators, too. Actually, no it doesn’t. Projected Record: 10-6 |
20. Houston Texans |
The Texans where the only team to make the playoffs last year who allowed more points than they scored. Look for that trend to continue this year minus the playoff part. Projected Record: 10-6 |
21. Buffalo Bills |
Can the Bills surprise everyone and win the AFC East this year? The short answer: no. The long answer: Holy fucking shit no. |
22. Atlanta Falcons |
The Falcons are dealing with a Super Bowl hangover this season. If they’re anything like me they’re going to be totally useless with a hangover and probably just spend the season binge-watching Women Who Kill on Netflix. Projected Record: 10-6 |
23. Detroit Lions |
The Lions haven’t had a 1,200 yard rusher since Barry Sanders. They can alleviate this by handing the ball to Ameer Abdullah 1,200 times this year. Better yet, hand it to him 1,500 times just to be on the safe side. Projected Record: 10-6 |
24. Los Angeles Rams |
The Rams offense was so predictable last season that pretty much everybody in the stadium knew what they were going to do before they did it. Everyone except the quarterback. Poor kid must have felt so left out. Projected Record: 16-0 |
25. Washington Redskins |
The Redskins have totally bungled the Kirk Cousins situation. But bungling situations is the Redskins specialty. I’m told the free agents they’ve signed in the offseason haven’t even been able to sign up for direct deposit. Projected Record: 10-6 |
26. Tampa Bay Bucs
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The Bucs didn’t do much to improve a defense that was middle of the pack last year. And why should they? You can't expect them to get new players in there whenever their current players underachieve. That’s what good teams do. Projected Record: 10-6 |
27. New Orleans Saints |
Rumor has it Drew Brees is hiding a pretty serious shoulder injury. It's not his, though, so fans needn't worry. |
28. Tennessee Titans |
Marcus Mariota, Corey Davis, Jurrell Casey, Logan Ryan - this team's list of talented youngsters is as long as the list of people waiting in line for season tickets: four. Projected Record: 10-6 |
29. Green Bay Packers |
Dom Capers is one of the most innovative defensive minds in the game. For instance, last year in the playoffs he found a way to get down 31-0 in just two quarters. Projected Record: 10-6 |
30. Los Angeles Chargers |
Phillip Rivers threw 21 picks last season and needs to improve his decision making. Although a guy who has eight kids obviously is a little lacking in that department. Projected Record: 10-6 |
31. Cleveland Browns |
Myles Garrett is the kind of player who can step in and contribute right away. But I suggest he wait, as contributing right away will alienate the rest of the losers on this team. Projected Record: 10-6 |
32. Pittsburgh Steelers |
Big Ben has one wish for his final season in the NFL: to see the Ravens knock off the Patriots and then lose in the Super Bowl. Projected Record: 10-6 |
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