Strength:
The Braves have a lot of new faces and a few untested players, but that shouldn’t stop them from falling just short this year.

Weakness:
Andruw Jones is positively gargantuan. I bet he sees a big juicy steak every time he looks at Marcus Giles. Jesus, eat a salad, dude. The outfield is only so vast.

Question mark:
The Braves don’t have a legitimate closer right now, but that’s OK. They have just enough in the bullpen to get them a division title. Everything after that is gravy.

Outlook:
At this point the Braves would be more interesting if they imploded and plummeted to the bottom of the standings. To me anyway.

Strength:
Ryan Howard is taking over at first base for Jim “7 HR 30 RBI .207 BA” Thome, the human wind farm. How about promoting Jim Thome as an alternative fuel source?

Weakness:
I would not let Charlie Manuel coach my little league team, mostly because he would probably be too busy with the Phillies to give the kids much of his time.

Question mark:
Will the wear and tear on Tom Gordon’s arm rob him of his effectiveness? Who cares? He’s getting paid $18 million. With that kind of money, he can buy a bionic arm and use his robotic finger to flip off everybody in Philadelphia from the deck of his yacht.

Outlook:
The Phillies rotation won’t be that bad if Jon Lieber can mimic his success of last year and Cory Lidle wakes up one morning and knows how to pitch.

Strength:
With a rotation of Pedro Martinez, Aaron Heilman, Tom Glavine, and Victor Zambrano, the Mets know they have 2 pitchers they can count on to win some games for them.

Weakness:
The middle of their infield consists of Kaz Matsui and Jose Reyes, two complete dipshits who couldn’t turn a double play if you spotted them an out.

Question mark:
Carlos Delgado is NOT going to pull that hippie protesting BULLSHIT with the Mets or I will personally come down to the field and kick his commie ass.

Outlook:
Julio Franco is 47 years old and says he wants to play until he’s 50. That’s a real testament to how much baseball players must get laid. Damn.

Strength:
They have a damn good hitter in Nick Johnson at first base. Unfortunately he hasn’t been able to put together an injury free season yet. Expect that to continue, as I’ve hired someone to smash his kneecaps.

Weakness:
Alfonso Soriano’s refusal to play the outfield puts the Nationals in an odd position. Of course, it might be less odd if they didn’t acquire an outfielder who swore he would never play the outfield in the first place.

Question mark:
Their pitching staff appears to be comprised of random names pulled out of the phone book. Ryan Drese? If there is actually a pitcher named Ryan Drese in Major League Baseball, I will eat my hat.

Outlook:
Fantasy tip: Don’t select Christian Guzman

Strength:
The Marlins have a new manager this year, but i didn't feel like looking up his name. Does it even matter at this point?

Weakness:
The Marlins weakness is their inexperience. This team boasts a lot of young players. Well, not “boasts” exactly. More like acknowledges.

Question mark:
The Marlins are entertaining offers to relocate. One intriguing option is Portland, which has some of the best weed in the country.

Outlook:
I’ve got the cure for what ails the Marlins: Juan Gonzalez. Now there’s a guy who can infuse your team with boundless energy and optimism.

Strength:
The strength of this team, as always, is the starting lineup. Your only chance if you’re an opposing pitcher is to face these guys in the postseason, when they roll over and die like dogs.

Weakness:
They signed Sidney Ponson, who is hoping to rebound from his entire career to have a good 2006.

Question mark:
Jim Edmonds is out to prove that old people can still function in a limited capacity as long as you keep an eye on them and don’t ask too much.

Outlook:
The window of opportunity for the Cardinals may be closing as some of their best players are battling injuries. Still, Tony LaRussa is a good manager who will find a way to get the best out of this team until the playoffs start.

Strength:
The return of Roger Clemens comes could provide a much needed boost in the number of 1-0 losses.

Weakness:
The team’s weakness is its starting lineup, which is unfortunate because starting lineups are important parts of baseball teams.

Question mark:
The owners have rightfully tried to jettison Mr. Useless, Jeff Bagwell. I really don’t understand why they can’t just get security and haul his ass out of there. Take control of your team, Drayton McLane.

Outlook:
I don’t see this team advancing past fourth place, mostly because there are 3 other teams in the division.

Strength:
Every time somebody at Miller park or field or whatever hits a home run this guy in the outfield goes down a slide into some big mug of beer. I saw that on the Travel Channel.

Weakness:
Ned Yost needs to be less optimistic because I’m about to punch him in the face.

Question mark:
Danny Kolb is back from his one-year stint single-handedly destroying the Braves. The Brewers are hoping he returns to the form he had in 2004, before he went all Rick Ankiel on them.

Outlook:
I know this is off the subject, but the Green Bay Packers have a player on their team who once shit in somebody’s laundry basket.

Strength:
Sean Casey is in a contract year, so expect him to run through walls this season in order to help his team win and then sign a long term deal somewhere else and cruise into retirement. Only in America!

Weakness:
Manager Jim Tracy said that losing is “unacceptable,” which means they’re still going to lose but now they're not going to accept it, for what that’s worth.

Question mark:
The Pirates have Roberto Hernandez as the elder statesman in their bullpen. They’re hoping at 40 he pitches a lot better than he did when he was 20.

Outlook:
The Pirates aren’t going to join the Steelers as world champions this year, but they’re going to look funny as hell trying.

Strength:
Catcher Michael Barrett won the Silver Slugger award last year, which is apparently given to a random player whose name is drawn out of a hat.

Weakness:
Derek Lee just missed the triple crown last year when he fucked it up in the end of the season. Expect the Cubs to get less production out of him this year, as last year was a fluke.

Question mark:
Kerry Wood may not be ready in time for opening day. That sentence should be engraved on a plaque on the wall of the manager's office at Wrigley Field.

Outlook:
Mark Prior was dangled as trade bait in the offseason for shortstop Miguel Tejada, probably because the Cubs would prefer someone who is actually good, rather than someone who is theoretically good.

Strength:
The Rockies’ biggest strength is their enthusiastic attitude and gritty style of play. How pathetic is that?

Weakness:
This team needs veteran leadership so they can say "we have some veteran leadership here," and the youngsters and veterans can partake in the whole "mentoring" charade so the beat writers will have something to write about in their weekly fluff pieces.

Question mark:
Is being a bench player on the Rockies more impressive than being the star of a Double A team? Food for thought.

Outlook:
Clint Hurdle is the perfect manager for this bunch because he’s just happy to be employed and won’t be crushed or anything when they lose 130 games.

Strength:
Grady Little is a quality major league manager who got run out of Boston because Pedro Martinez was too much of a pussy to get three outs. Now he’s getting a second opportunity with a rotation entirely devoid of pussies.

Weakness:
Derek Lowe’s sinker would be much more effective if it wasn’t chest high. Still, he does do a good job of getting ground ball outs in between three-run homers.

Question mark:
Eric Gagne embarrassed himself, his family, and the entire Dodgers organization with his pathetic showing in 2005. 8 saves? Yea that’s acceptable if you’re a hitting tee. Get it together, Gagne. You're not in Canada anymore.

Outlook:
Jeff Kent is still somewhat of a loose cannon, but the acquisition of Nomar Garciaparra and the return of JD Drew should add an element of wishy-washy-ness to this clubhouse that’s been missing in recent years.

Strength:
The D’Backs acquired Javier Vazquez and Troy Glaus last year in an aggressive push to finish fourth in their division, which went horribly wrong when they actually finished second. Consequently both players are gone.

Weakness:
The weakness of this team lies in its starting rotation. Jesus, who assembled this group, Corky? OK, Brandon Webb is serviceable. Miguel Batista is a fine poet and plays a mean wood flute, but he’s not much of a pitcher. Oh, and the less said about Russ Ortiz the better. Welcome to Loserville, people. Population: the entire D’backs pitching staff.

Question mark:
The ageless Shawn Green returns for another year of everybody wondering if he’s ever going to hit 40 home runs again. Let me put that speculation to rest: he's not.

Outlook:
The D’Backs play in the hottest city in America, which means their fans are all tanned and attractive, unlike those gross, pasty monsters in the Northeast.

Strength:
The Padres home field is huge and cavernous so nobody can hit any home runs. There’s nothing a hitter likes better than to play in a huge ballpark. They love the challenge. It just fuels them.

Weakness:
Vinny Castilla lurches into San Diego huffing and puffing in the final hours of his doomed career, desperately clinging to a major league paycheck. Hey, more power to him.

Question mark:
Pitcher Dewon Brazelton couldn’t find the plate if his own catcher bashed him over the head with it, which actually happened several times in Tampa Bay.

Outlook:
Trevor Hoffman’s near departure last year freaked out everybody in San Diego. Apparently they’re totally enamored with the guy. Boy, it’s slim pickins out there isn’t it?

Strength:
Armando Benitez, the anchor of their bullpen, returned to form last season after a brief bout of effectiveness in 2004.

Weakness:
The middle infield is not going to scare anyone. Omar Vizquel's best days are behind him, and Ray Durham’s best days were behind him 10 years ago.

Question mark:
The corners boast Pedro Feliz and “Lance Niekro,” who might as well be Mickey Mouse as far as I’m concerned. Never heard of him.

Outlook:
The 2006 Giants can tell their grand kids that they were extras in Barry Bonds' reality show. Every other aspect of the season they’ll take to their graves.