Orange Bowl Halftime Show The Stuff Of Nightmares

MIAMI, FL--Orange Bowl officials rushed to do damage control after a horrific and soul-crushing halftime show that featured pop stars Trace Adkins, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashlee Simpson. The producers upheld the tradition of having dull, flavor-of-the-month entertainers perform over-choreographed routines, but took it a step further by allowing Simpson to sing instead of lip-sync. The resulting performance was the low-point of a truly hideous halftime show.

“When we sat down to plan this halftime show, we decided it would be best to showcase some of today’s hottest stars,” said Molly Kleid, the show’s producer. “I didn’t hear anyone complaining when we announced our star studded lineup. It is unfortunate that things ended the way they did and Miss Simpson was booed, but you have to admit, Trace and Kelly Clarkson were fantastic. You could tell they were whipping the crowd into a frenzy.”

Trace Adkins, a mediocre country star, performed an inoffensive and vanilla number from his generically named album ‘Comin’ On Strong.’ His lightweight country-western act was described by witnesses as “tedious,” “trite,” and “cringe inducing.”

“This is the best they could do? Trace Adkins? I didn’t even know who that was until now,” said Hal Vickers, 33, a fan in attendance. “He performed some horrifying, pseudo-country pile of crap that sounded like it was tailor made to entertain 14-year-old girls and their parents. Oh well, so much for my life’s vow to never, ever listen to anything by Trace Adkins. Bastards ambushed me.”

Kleid vehemently disagreed with criticism of the show, though she did acknowledge that it’s difficult to please everyone.

“Hey look, you’re not going to make every single person in the whole stadium happy,” she said, “but I think we came pretty damn close. Trace Adkins is one of America’s biggest stars. According to his bio, he has ‘one of those truth-telling country voices that just grabs you, whether it’s coming through a car speaker or an arena sound system.’ Doesn’t that sound awesome? I get all my information about music from press releases.”

After Adkins left the crowd of 80,000 drooling in their beer, another banal pop star took the stage. Kelly Clarkson, the former American Idol winner, performed one of her turgid, cookie cutter ballads that left the audience pleading for mercy.

“Please, please, I’ve had enough! No more!” shouted fan Greg Hinman, as Clarkson sleepwalked through her set. “My God, this is my worst night mare. All my life I have worked to avoid performers like this. Now I come here to watch a goddamn football game and they force me to sit through this disaster, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Yes, before you ask, I did try to go into the bathroom and wait it out, but it was already full of people weeping.”

He added, “At that point all I could do was count my blessings that Ashlee Simpson was not involved.”

Unfortunately for Hinman and the other 80,000 victims in attendance, Simpson was involved. What’s worse, she sang without lip-synching, a decision that even Kleid admitted was reckless and wrong-headed.

“OK, I have to admit. We were wrong to let Ashlee sing,” said Kleid. “How was I supposed to know that she was so bad? My God she was like a retarded Pat Benatar. As a producer I have to take responsibility for that, but if you’re going to criticize me for it, you should also give me a little credit. After all, by allowing her to do that, I may have inadvertently destroyed her career. Woohoo!”

Some in attendance even felt sorry for Simpson.

“That poor thing. The audience was booing her like crazy,” said Helen Marcus, 68, who works at the stadium as a concession worker. “Who is telling her that she has a good voice? Her dad? Her manager? It’s just wrong to send her up there like that to be humiliated. I’ve been working here for 20 years and I’ve never seen anything that bad. The only way it could’ve been worse is if Aerosmith was somehow involved. I guess performing at every halftime show of the past quarter century was enough for them.”