Red Sox Fans’ Stupidity Passed Off As Passion

BOSTON, MA--As the Boston Red Sox continued their prolonged slide and dropped further down in the AL East standings, Sox fans have begun to show their true colors. Calling for the heads of Manager Terry Francona and such luminaries as Nomar Garciaparra and Pedro Martinez, “Red Sox Nation” has once again proven to be the stupidest fan base in the country. However, as with most dimwitted fan communities, that stupidity is being passed off as “passion.”

“Wow, these fans are really something,” said WEEI’s Dale Arnold during his afternoon talk show. “They’re really out for blood. A losing streak in June and they’ve already given up, even though history shows that division races are usually decided in August and September. I actually had one guy call up and say Francona should be fired and replaced with [previous manager] Grady Little. Only in Boston can you find that kind of stupidity…I mean passion.”

Ted Sarandis, another host on the popular sports radio network, agreed that Red Sox fans are more “passionate and energetic” than fans in other cities.

“You’ve got to admire the passion and energy that these fans display day in and day out,” said Sarandis. “In places like Atlanta or Tampa, you might see fans react with common sense and reason to the team’s struggles, but not here. These fans are so passionate, you’d think they were retarded or something.”

In the past week alone, Sarandis has received hundreds of calls regarding the Red Sox current situation. While most people would consider the callers pathetic and moronic, Sarandis describes them as “intelligent and informed.”

“Fans here are so smart, they’re always coming up with great ways to improve the team,” said Sarandis. “One guy said we should trade Nomar away for a couple of hot young prospects. Now, you might say ‘Why trade a perennial all-star away for a couple of unproven commodities that have almost no chance to contribute at an all-star level?’ Well, because Red Sox fans are reactionary, weird, kind of sad, and…passionate. Yes, that’s the word I was looking for…passion and intensity.”

Sox fans also display their passion on message boards and sports blogs. Red Sox Nation is the most opinionated and talkative fan base in the country, as evidenced by the number of web sites devoted to the Old Town Team. One such website, Red Sox Central, has become a haven for the intensely emotional die-hard fans.

“They should send Nomar to triple A immediately,” said one poster, displaying the kind of passion and vigor that make Sox fans the most intelligent in the nation. “He’s done. He doesn’t care about playing and he should just go home and complain to Mia Hamm.”

Another poster made a shocking, if somewhat baseless, accusation about the star shortstop.

“I think he’s a steroid freak. I really do,” said SxFn223, a longtime member of the message board. “Even though he’s actually much smaller than he was three years ago and has never been mentioned in conjunction with a steroid investigation, I just think he is. So there.”

It’s not just the fans that participate in this extremely enlightened and rational discourse. The Boston media does its part, too. In fact, local sportswriters are credited with providing Sox fans with the majority of their opinions on key matters. Once a popular scribe makes a statement, accusation, or baseless assumption, it spreads through Red Sox nation like a virus and quickly becomes gospel.

“The beauty of Red Sox nation is that they’re open to opinions other than their own,” said Gerry Callahan, popular writer for the Boston Herald. “Some might say that they can’t speak for themselves, but I like to call it ‘open mindedness.’ It’s nice if you’re a sportswriter like me. All I need to do is make some wild, off-base, inaccurate accusation or assumption in one of my column and—boom!—it’s being repeated on every message board and talk radio show in New England.”

To test his theory, Callahan put forth a ridiculous theory in his weekly column regarding the contract issues of star pitcher Pedro Martinez. Although the theory was stupid, meaningless, cruel, and wildly irrational, the open-minded and passionate Sox fans immediately embraced it.

“This was a fun experiment,” said Callahan. “What I wrote was that Pedro was purposely pitching below his abilities in order to prompt a trade, hopefully to the Yankees, who he has always wanted to play for. Then I said there was a lot of friction in the clubhouse when Pedro took a shit in Curt Schilling's hat just before a crucial start for Schilling. I don’t know where I come up with this crap, but I’m telling you, it worked.”

Within hours, internet chat rooms and sports radio shows were filled with fans echoing Callahan’s absurd statements.

“Pedro’s gotta go. Everyone knows he’s a Boston-hating dick who likes to shit in people’s hats,” said “Greg from Worcester” a caller to the Dale and Neumy Show on WEEI. “These guys are so coddled it makes me sick. I guess when you’re getting paid millions of dollars its supposed to be OK to shit in someone’s hat. Well, maybe its OK in some other baseball cities, but not here in Boston. We’re way too smart for that.”

The incredibly stupid, or passionate, Red Sox fans have been in rare form all summer and won’t be letting up anytime soon. Though there is still ample time for the team to close the gap in the American League East, Red Sox Nation will continue to call for the firing of rookie manager Terry Francona, the trading of the team’s superstars, and the development of younger, less-proven players.

General Manager Theo Epstein said that he appreciates the fans’ passion but is glad that they don't control the day-to-day operations of the team.

“If they ran things around here, Derek Lowe would’ve been traded away before he even become a starter and won 20 games for us,” said Epstein. “They would’ve already fired Francona and brought back Grady Little, and they would’ve made Pokey Reese, a career .240 hitter, the starting shortstop over Nomar. It’s sounds crazy, but don’t forget these are the same people who wanted Roger Clemens run out of town on a rail because his career was over and he was too selfish. Sound familiar? I’m not making that mistake again, despite what these mindless retards think…Passionate mindless retards, that is.”